A Song

When I started my blog, I was determined to link every post with a song that has inspired me (or, perhaps even annoyed me!) However, I've realized that sometimes I might just want to share a song that really has nothing at all to do with the subject of my post. Or, like today, maybe I have nothing interesting to say, and would just like to share a song.

It's hard conveying the beauty of music without actually playing it, but I can only hope that as you read the lyrics, you are listening to the melody in your head and maybe even singing along. For more obscure songs or artists that I mention here, I hope that you can find the time to download the tune, or even give it a listen to on YouTube!

Nico was a German born singer/songwriter, model and actress, probably best known for her collaborations with both Velvet Underground and Andy Warhol (among many other artists). When I play her songs for people, they're not usually as impressed as I am. Nico's voice is quite deep - almost like a man's voice with a feminine flare. She doesn't sing particularly in tune either. But to me, her sound is evocative, haunting and soothing. Her lyrics speak to me in a familiar way, and I can always identify with her words.

Here is one song off the soundtrack from the movie The Royal Tenenbaums, which is where I first heard Nico (funny thing, but I discover most artists through movie soundtracks!)

Now that it's time
Now that the hour hand has landed at the end
Now that it's real
Now that the dreams have given all they had to lend
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe try another time
And do I really have a hand in my forgetting ?

Now that I've tried
Now that I've finally found that this is not the way,
Now that I turn
Now that I feel it's time to spend the night away
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe finally split the rhyme
And do I really understand the undernetting ?

Yes and the morning has me
Looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs carefully.

Now that it's light
Now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that it's here
Now that I'm almost not so very far behind
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe follow another sign
And do I really have a song that I can ride on ?

Now that I can
Now that it's easy, ever easy all around.
Now that I'm here
Now that I'm falling to the sunlights and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And can I choose again if I should lose the reason ?

Yes, and the morning
Has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs more carefully.

Now that I smile,
Now that I'm laughing even deeper inside.
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It's now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I'll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons.

Reflection

I never supposed that I would be an everyday blogger, but I didn't quite realize how much life would get in the way of me logging on and posting. I'm embarassed at how long it's been since my last post, and since I last checked out my favourite blogs. I only hope that as time goes on, it becomes a part of my daily routine to read, comment and post my own musings on life.

There has been a reason for my disappearance, and she is a pudgy little bundle of joy I call my daughter. We have had a week of interesting "events," the first being when A. fell forward onto her face, and went into such a hysterical cry that she passed out. We weren't aware that babies can actually do that, but she has enlightened us by doing it again a couple of times since. Following that, she came down with a very high fever which warranted a trip to the emergency department, where we waited for 8 hours for doctors to tell us they didn't know the cause of the fever. Several days later, she broke out into a rash, and we concluded it must have been Roseola (again, something else I'd never heard of - isn't google wonderful??). THEN, to top it all off, she fell in the bathroom and with blood gushing from a cut above her eye, we once again took a trip to an urgent care clinic.

Phew, I feel tired just writing about it.

The good news is that none of this is at all serious, and she is doing just fine. It did, however, take up a lot of my time and energy, and she has been a human starfish for the past little while, stuck to me like glue.

It's amazing the revelations that occur when you have children, and all the significant and insignificant things they teach you every day. Sometimes it's a lesson that you don't even know you've learned, until you have a chance to take a deep breath and reflect. Excuse me for sounding a bit melodramatic, but I feel so strongly that fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it, was at work when we had our daughter.

We never planned on getting pregnant so soon after our wedding, and it came as quite a shock when the second little line showed up on the pregnancy test. I had been certain my period was just late, as it was never regular, but a little niggling voice in the back of my head told me to buy a pregnancy test at the pharmacy...just to be sure.

Since her arrival, I have been thrown into a life that is no longer within my control (but really, are we ever in control?). I have had to learn a very deep and infinite level of patience, and my own worries have taken a backseat to caring for my little girl. Never before have I devoted so much time, effort, blood, sweat and tears to someone else. It's been slightly more intense because of her illness, but I'm sure all mothers can relate to this - even the ones with the "angel" babies! But in the moments I do get a chance to breathe and reflect, I come to the conclusion that I wouldn't trade this for anything in the whole world.

This song came on in the car yesterday, and as it played, the sun shone low over the hills in Quebec, and I felt a true sense of peace I haven't felt in quite a while. This is "Dreams" by the Cranberries.

Oh, my life is changing everyday,
In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

Crossroads

It rained today, and the scorching heat has finally lifted just a little bit. My husband had the day off today, and he drove me to an interview this morning.

I am at a crossroads in my career, and am feeling very confused as of where to go from here. For the past couple of years, I have been working for a wonderful charity that supports people with eating disorders. It is a rewarding and fulfilling job, and I never felt like my time was wasted. And trust me, I have wasted a lot of time in other jobs!

Unfortunately, the charity is so small, and cannot afford to offer me a raise. I get a tiny salary as it is. This was all fine and good while my husband and I were dating and living together in an apartment. But we are now married, with a 10-month old child, and a new mortgage to pay.

I am supposed to be returning to work in 2 months, and in a moment of panic, I began sending out resumes to some of my contacts. Lo and behold, I got a call from a health research organization to come in for an interview today. It went super well, and it looks like they might be able to offer me a part-time job that would pay me the same as what I would be making working full-time at my current job.

What to do?? Do I bow out of the meaningful work, where I know I truly make a difference, to take a job that MAY make a difference in the long run (I am confident that a lot of research being done in the health field is interesting, but rarely applied) and that pays a heck of a lot more.

I shall ponder this question, and listen to this version of "Crossroads" by Cream:

I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knee.
I went down to the crossroads, fell down on my knee.
Asked the Lord above for mercy, "Save me if you please."

I went down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
Down to the crossroads, tried to flag a ride.
Nobody seemed to know me, everybody passed by.

I'm going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
Going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
You can still 'barrelhouse', baby, on the riverside.

Going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
Going down to Rosedale, take my rider by my side.
You can still 'barrelhouse', baby, on the riverside.

You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
You can run, you can run, tell my friend-boy Willie Brown.
And I'm standing at the crossroads, believe I'm sinking down.

Listen

Isn't it amazing how a song can lift us up, or bring us down, at any given moment in the day? We can be driving along in our cars, so focused on our daily worries, when suddenly a song comes on that says "WAKE UP!" The music can give us a lump in our throats, or paint a picture or memory in our minds. It can lift our spirits, and suddenly we are feeling happier and more energetic than we have in days. It can remind us of friends we haven't seen in years, or places we visited long ago. A song can be associated with a memory so strong, that we even have a sense of being there...the scent of wood fire, or the cold of starry nights, or the thick blanket of a summer night's breeze.

Here's a song that always makes me stop and listen:

"The Wind" by Cat Stevens

I listen to the wind

to the wind of my soul

Where I'll end up well I think,

only God really knows

I've sat upon the setting sun

But never, never never never

I never wanted water once

No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but

they fall far below

I let my music take me where

my heart wants to go

I swam upon the devil's lake

But never, never never never

I'll never make the same mistake

No, never, never, never

Wash Away

In the disinfecting craze that has been my life this past week, I've been pondering our society's obessession with cleanliness. We spend a lot of money on cleaning products and their various accessories (those ridiculous swiffer sweepers, to name one). We are also very anxious about germs, and it is the norm that almost every place we visit offers antibacterial gel in a dispenser.

As a child, I was always uncomfortable around "muck." I didn't like swimming in lakes, I hated finding bugs in my house, and I couldn't stand sand or dirt in my clothes. As an adult, I have fought hard against these anxieties, and have forced myself into plenty of situations (mainly while camping) that have allowed me to become more comfortable with the dirtiness of the outdoors.

It's one of my goals as a parent to be able to intoduce my daughter to as much dirt as she likes. This sounds slightly crazy, I know, but I hope that it allows her to be comfortable in nature. If we ever hope to fix the problems with our environment, the first step is to end our separation between nature and what we perceive to be our lived environment.

Here is a great song by Joe Purdy, called "Wash Away." And yes, you hear this little ditty during the Dawn soap commercial. But this is not a plug for Dawn...it just so happens that so many indpendent artists' lend their songs to commercials these days.

I got troubles oh, but not today
Cause they're gonna wash away
They're gonna wash away

And I have sins Lord, but not today
Cause they're gonna wash away
They're gonna wash away

And I had friends oh, but not today
Cause they're done washed away
They're done washed away

And oh, I've been cryin'
And oh, I've been cryin'
And oh, no more cryin'
No, no more cryin' here

We get along Lord, but not today
Cause we gonna wash away
We gonna wash away

And I got troubles oh, but not today
Cause they gonna wash away
This old heart gonna take them away

So Much to Do, So Little Time

I mentioned in another post that we were moving house. We have arrived! We have spent many days scrubbing away twenty-five years of grime from the previous owners, thus my blog has been sorely neglected. So until I have a moment's peace to compose something better, I will share with you a song I wrote called "Changing"

Changing on a sad and lonley day
Moving van rumbles down the highway
But I got you
to comfort me, dear
with your warm arms
to quell all my fears

Changin from rain coats to short shorts
seasons pass me by in a hurry
But I got you
to comfort me, dear
with your warm arms
to quell all my fears

And he changed me with a touch upon my hand
And a sweet voice to light my way again
But his cold heart is a staircase in Paris
and my long climb is etched there in stone

How will he comfort me?
Where will he comfort me?
on and on, on and on, on and on

And it's not him that comforts me, dear
with his warm arms to quell all my fears
I got you, to comfort me
I got you

Parent to Parent

I had an interesting conversation with my neighbour the other day. She's 37, lives with her boyfriend, and has always known she never wanted kids. She invited me over for a beer on Saturday night, and we got to chatting about how much different things are between "kid people" and "non-kid people."

This neighbour of mine is fun-loving and carefree. She takes off on a whim, travelling down south with her girlfriends or taking weekend trips to Montreal. She lives the life I thought I wanted back in my early twenties, before a little voice in my head began to wonder what it would be like to be a mother. I can hardly remember the last time I went out to a bar dancing and partying until dawn. Instead, I am greeting the dawn with my little bug curled up next to me in bed.

My very best friend is not yet a mother, and I can sometimes sense the tension between us. The other day on the phone with her, I was marvelling at the fact that my little girl was fuss-free for an entire day while we were out visiting relatives. My friend jokingly commented that it was because she is spoiled at home, but is allowed to be independent when we're out and about. My mama bear instincts immediately went on the defensive. I felt attacked - somebody who is not yet a parent had the gall to judge the way I was parenting!

Then I remembered how I was while pregnant. My husband and I would lie on the bed together stroking my belly, and we would discuss all the ways WE would be the best parents in the world. No way were we going to let our child rule the nest, and we were going to be sure that the little one was unspoiled and well behaved.

The second I pushed that little girl out of my body, all my careful planning and calculating went out the window. Instead of listening to baby trainers and well meaning family and friends, we began to parent the way we wanted and the way our baby wanted. We joke now that we were probably "better" parents before we actually had a child!

One of my favourite movies is called "Away We Go." In one scene, the characters of Jon Krasinski and a pregnant Maya Rudolph do exactly what my husband and I used to do. They create a wishlist of all the things they will, or will not do for their unborn child. It's a beautiful moment that reminds me of all the anticipation, anxiety and excitement that we experienced during pregnancy. As parents we can all plan to our hearts' content, but in my mind, the true experience of parenthood begins the moment our babies take their first breath. Here is a beautiful song from the soundtrack to that movie...

"All My Days" by Alexi Murdoch from the "Away We Go" soundtrack

Well I have been searching
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
So I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems you found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
Yes even breathing
Feels all right