Cashew Craze

We're doing a food experiment in our house. We've long suspected that Big Sister has some allergies (or, at least, intolerances - these are not life threatening). But we've been too tired and lazy to change much, other than limiting the amount of cow's milk that she drinks. She still consumes most other dairy products.

We recently embarked on a strict diet with her, cutting out all dairy and any trace dairy in other foods (including casein). Lo and behold, we saw an improvement (but perhaps a future post on some ongoing issues we're seeing, and our decision to seek allergy testing).

Despite the positive changes, I was finding the new diet a struggle. Big Sister's favourite foods include: cheese (all types), yogurt, sour cream and butter. She eats fruit, veggies and protein as well, but not with the same gusto :)

So, my challenge has been to find some alternatives that are both tasty and don't break the bank. So far our one success has been fake butter. And no, I'm not talking about chemically-laden margarine laced with milk products; I mean this stuff - Earth Balance. Dairy-free AND soy-free, and given the thumbs up by picky kiddos everywhere!

Other products have been a giant failure. She hates Daiya "cheese," although we haven't tried to make pizza with the shredded variety yet. Another score for the garbage was coconut "yogurt." Blech!! It was jelly-like, a weird pale grey colour and FULL of sugar and additives. She also shunned my homemade almond milk, and still prefers the store-bought variety.

Soon, the holiday season arrived. We gave up for a couple of weeks and let her eat whatever she wanted, because food was everywhere, and I was tired of having nothing to offer her for snacks and/or lunch. There's only so much fruit, nuts and vegetable with hummus you can offer a kid before they ask for cheese and crackers.

Christmas day came, and Santa surprised me by leaving a big wrapped box under the tree. Inside I found a Blendtec blender, a kitchen gadget I've been swooning over for a while now. Other people spend hundreds of dollars on hair treatments, gym memberships, Ipads, Iphones and giant TVs. My weakness is kitchen gadgets.

Can I just say, this blender has truly changed my culinary life. Things that I've always dreamed of doing, I can now do in a matter of minutes!! I can make amazingly healthy smoothies, without all the floating chunkies that my hand-held blender used to leave. I can make all my own coconut milk and almond milk, and I can even blend up my favourite drinks (mmmm pina colada!!)

I've also discovered CASHEWS!! Almond milk is totally yummy, but a bit of a pain to make because you have to squeeze it through a nut bag (no, I'm not making this up). But cashews don't take any time at all. You soak them overnight, whiz them up with water, and voila!! Yummy, creamy, awesome milk. And the more digging I did, the more I discovered what I could make out of cashew milk.

In this post I'd like to share my successful Cashew Yogurt, adapted from this recipe at The Spunky Coconut.

First Step

Make the cashew milk! Soak nuts in water overnight, and then drain and rinse. Put them in your food processor or blender. Add 4 cups of water, 1/2 tsp vanilla and 1tsp honey. Blend until smooth and frothy.

Second Step

Bring the 4 cups of cashew milk to a simmer in a saucepan.

Third Step

Whisk in 2 tsp of Gelatin dissolved in boiling water (one packet of Knox Gelatin worked for me). The instructions of how to dissolve the gelatin are on the packet. The Spunky Coconut mentions a substitute for vegetarians, but I haven't tried it, so not sure if it would work.

Fourth Step

Let the milk cool until it reaches about 90-92 degrees F (having a good book nearby to wait while it's cooling is a good idea, or just put the whole pot in the sink with cold water)

Fifth Step

Whisk in 3.5 tsps non-dairy probiotic. I used Inno-Vite DDS Original powdered probiotics. Basically, you need about 30 billion colony forming units, so just read the label on your favourite probiotics.

Sixth Step

Put the yogurt into a yogurt maker, oven with the oven light on (I have a "proof" setting on my oven), or in a cooler with something to keep it warm in there....hot water bottles etc. I've heard the yogurt maker is the easiest, but it's one gadget I don't own. Leave the yogurt overnight.

Seventh Step

In the morning, pour the yogurt (it will still be quite runny) into a container and refrigerate. When it is completely cool, it should have set and be thick and yummy. Sweeten with maple syrup, add fruit, vanilla, whatever!! Enjoy!

Stay tuned for blog posts on Cashew Sour Cream and Cashew Cream Cheese!

Becoming a Better Person

I follow many great people on Facebook, but one of my favourites is Cheryl Strayed, author of Wild. Her most recent post read:

"Is there ever an end to the daily struggle to be a better person? I'm not asking this rhetorically. I'm wondering if there's a time when you reach it, when you say "I can no longer think of any way to be a better person." (Or maybe there are people who do not ponder every day how they can be a better person?) When I say "better person" I don't mean that I constantly tell myself how awful I am but rather I'm very aware of the ways in which I could've done better as a friend, as a mom, as a spouse, as a sister, as a writer, as a woman with some serious aspirations for this thing called "balance" (ie: time for exercise, lounging, sex, thrift-store shopping, voracious reading). On a pretty much daily basis I think of how I've failed in many of these areas. It's not a self-hate thing, but rather a deep desire I have to someday fall asleep thinking, "Well done, Strayed. You've got it down." I'm reflecting on this as the first day of 2014 comes to an end here on the west coast of America. Not thinking "Well done, Strayed" but thinking instead, "Maybe next year. Maybe tomorrow. Keep going. Keep walking. Just try to do better in every action, intention, thought and deed." Happy new year, my friends. I hope 2014 is a revelation and a firecracker for you." 

I'm one of those people who ponder every day how I can be a better person. I reflect a lot on my words, actions and emotions (sometimes this gets me into trouble, as I fall into rumination when I think I've been less than stellar). I'm always striving to better myself, and I'm always making resolutions - New Year or not.

But in reflecting on Cheryl's post, I've come to a realization. When I think about myself as a "better" person, I see someone in the future - someone more organized, less flighty, in shape, eating well and taking time for herself.  But this future version of myself is not really me. 

The only me that exists is here, right now. Sipping on black tea (dammit, I'm supposed to be drinking green), eating a muffin (it's homemade, so all good), perusing my financial statements (all bad, VERY BAD), reflecting on the friends I forgot to call over the holidays (I'm so sorry), and trying to gather the energy to go for a nice walk - given that it's my lunch break, and I resolved to do more exercise on my lunch breaks!

And yet I also have...

- travelled the world
- overcome personal challenges
- born two children
- received a graduate education
- become (if I may toot my own horn) a pretty darn good chef; in my own kitchen, that is!
- purchased a home that keeps us warm
- landed a solid job that supports my family
- married a man who is also supporting our family by being at home
- time and money to stay healthy and grounded

Maybe 2014 is the year that I say goodbye to the woman I see up ahead in the distance - the me I always imagined I could be. Because the person I've become is pretty darn amazing.

Happy New Year!

25 Days of Christmas

I love this holiday tradition, started by Andrea from A Peek Inside the Fishbowl. This is like an advent calendar, but instead of eating chocolate, you get to do a fun activity each day (and by the way, we of COURSE have our regular chocolate advent calendar - Fair Trade! The girls were also given 2 other advent calendars by our cousin, so I think the whole family will enjoy a daily dose of chocolate this holiday season).

This is a bit tougher for me, as I'm not home with the girls all day. We'll have to sneak in some small activities during the week, and bigger activities on the weekend.

So here we go...

1. Decorate for Christmas

2. Read "Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus"

3. Write a letter to Santa

4. Movie Night!

5. Listen to Christmas songs

6. Holiday Mini Lights Session

7. Make Christmas cookies

8. Tobogganing (if there's snow!)

9. Christmas craft

10. Make our charitable donation to Plan Canada

11. Make a paper snowflake

12. Make a Christmas tree ornament

13. Visit to Cumberland Heritage Village

14.  Annual Stacey-Pratt Christmas Chocolate Making

15.Visit the Ottawa Farmer's Market Christmas Market

16. Wrap some gifts

17. Paint a homemade Christmas card

18. Sing some carols

19. Make hot cocoa and a bowl of popcorn

20. Christmas dinner out with friends!

21. Go and cut down our Christmas tree! Decorate tree.

22. Christmas potluck with good friends

23. Family arrives. Share an eggnog (mixed with rum for the older kiddies?)

24. Prepare snacks for Santa and the reindeer; Christmas Eve service at church

25. Celebrate family, love, happiness and peace

Here Piggy, Piggy, Piggy

Is there anything better than pork? Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe butter.

In my vegetarian days, I tried my best to shun the salty, fatty breakfasts of yore, reassuring myself that I was changing my diet for the greater good of our planet and food system.

Until I realized that it's not the pig I'm opposed to eating; it's actually the system in which the pig is raised. Our modern industrial farmlands (if you can call them "lands") raise pigs in a completely unnatural environment. The more I hear, the less I'm inclined to have anything to do with participating as a consumer in that system.

Which is why we purchase our piggie from Donegal Heritage Farms. The meat tastes far superior to anything I've ever tried from the grocery store. We also buy lamb and the occasional dozen eggs from Donegal - oh my little lamb, where have you been all my life?

To use up some ham we ate the other night, I threw together this lovely soup. Not surprisingly, the whole family gobbled it up!

Creamy Ham and Rice Soup

2 tbsp butter (or pork fat...mmmmm)
1 shallot, chopped
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2 cups of carrots, chopped thinly
1/2 tsp dried dill (or fresh if it's available)
1 cup chopped cooked ham
2 cups cooked rice
4 cups stock (anything but beef)
1 cup heavy cream (to lighten this up, I used 1/4 cup heavy cream and 3/4 cup milk)
Salt and pepper to taste

Melt butter in large saucepan. Saute shallot and garlic for 5 minutes until soft. Throw in carrots, dill, ham and rice. Stir and coat. Add the stock. Bring the whole thing to a boil, and then let simmer for 25-30 minutes. Add 1 cup of cream and season with salt and pepper. Serve with fresh bread!

Just Write

When you're staring at a blank page with serious writer's block, the best advice given is usually:

Just write. Write about anything. What's your dog doing right now? How messy is your kitchen? What's the weather like outside?

It's windy, actually. Sometimes I worry about the giant tree in our front yard uprooting in the wind and crushing us in our beds. Just, you know....the normal, everyday worries we have as mothers. Oh, and fires. I worry a lot about fires. And what about Radon? Apparently we should all be testing our house for radon levels, but do you think I've managed to get out at any point in the last two years to purchase a testing kit?

So there you have it. Writer's block banished by anxiety-ridden commentary.

I haven't written anything of significance in over a year on this blog, mainly because I think I've lost my mojo. I often feel as though bloggers write for attention (look at me! I'm special! And my house is clean!!), but I've recently been reminded that the majority of us write because we love to write. To share, to tell stories, and to reach out to others in this lonely world. And given that all of my other creative hobbies are sitting in dust (my piano, guitar, paints, canvases), the least I can do is write. There's always something left to say.

So I'm coming back. I don't know what you'll find on this blog, but I hope it will be a welcome creative outlet for a frazzled mama.

Which reminds me of a song....

Stay Tuned...

I know I've been absent from this space. Life with Two is wonderful and chaotic, and not the most ideal environment for quiet contemplation and writing.

I've finally gotten around to signing up with Bloglovin, so follow me there if you have an account! New posts are coming soon, and I'm excited about a new direction life is taking...

From the Nest,
Misty

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Getting Sick: Before and After Kids

Getting sick in my pre-kid days was a simple, three-step process:

1) Get sick

2) Lie in bed. Moan. Coerce loved ones to take good care of me, bringing cool cloths and ginger ale.

3) Get better.


Getting sick with kids is slightly more complicated:

1) Feel the onset of sickness. Panic slightly.

2) In anticipation of sickness, rearrange all plans - find alternative rides to school, reschedule appointments and cancel all extracurricular activities.

3) Get sick.

4) Keep taking care of kids and cleaning house, despite horrible sickness. Lie on the couch only when children are occupied by the television, lest they try to destroy the house. Carry plastic bags with you for school drop-offs, just in case of sudden bout of vomiting.

5) Husband stays home and lets you lie down. Baby needs to be nursed every 2 hours, and 3 year old bursts in on you several times throughout the day asking for random shit. "Where is that pink shape I cut out yesterday?" To which you answer, "I don't know, asshole, go away!" Or if you're a really Good Mother like I am, you say "I'm not sure, sweetie, why don't you go ask Daddy?"

6) Continue to nurse throughout the night, while running out of the room several times to get sick. Wake baby more often by running out of room.

7) Begin to feel slightly better.

8) Get a sore throat instead.

9) Get woken up in the night by vomiting 3 yo.

10) Seven days later, your family is finally healthy...

Until next week of course!



Hoping your family is happy and healthy this Spring Season!

Oh Hey There, It's March!

Enough of the little old ladies telling me how fast the time flies. I GET IT, OK!?? It flies! Faster than a speeding bullet!

Somehow I've ended up with a five-month old on my lap. I keep looking around and wondering when the producers will jump out and say "gotcha! You're on candid camera!"

Motherhood has crept up on me. I look at the calendar disbelieving - I'll be how old this year? 33?? And I have how many kids? 2!? You must be mad!!

Seriously, most days I feel like I need my own mother around. I just want someone to hold me and rock me to sleep, and sing me sweet songs.

But alas, I stumble through the days, wondering whether I'm "mom enough." The kiddos seem to be alright. We have adjusted to being a family of four, and most nights I can give myself a little pat on the back for surviving another day. In fact, some days I even think this mothering gig ain't so bad!

I'm starting to come out of my postpartum fog, and my thoughts are turning to work. Namely, what will I do with myself when this year of maternity leave is over? Should I stay home? Should I go back to the office? Should I continue birth doula work? (actually, that question's been answered...I will be returning slowly by accepting clients with due dates after November 1st this year).

But there are still 7 months to go, and lots of time to focus on my sweet little baby. My last baby, *sob*. Every day I sniff her downy little head and kiss her soft, soft cheeks. I know how lucky I am.

Here's a picture taken by Big Sister....not bad for a three year old, eh?

Baby Girl's Birth

This is long winded and slightly graphic, so really only geared towards my birth junkie friends out there ;) Happy reading!

Blogging is clearly not a top priority these days. I'm getting by with our beautiful newborn, aided by hot cups of tea, chocolate and lots of support from family and friends. That said, I'm excited to write down all the details of our daughter's birth, as I've now had four weeks to reflect on the events of October 17th, 2012.

The final weeks of this pregnancy were really tough for me. Which was surprising, given that I had no problem going over 40 weeks with my first pregnancy - in fact, I enjoyed all the "me" time spent at the movies, getting pedicures and prenatal massages.

For some reason, this time around, I really struggled to remain patient. Some physical challenges made it impossible for me to do much of anything except lie around on the couch moaning for Tom to fetch me what I needed. Tom had to take his parental leave early, because it got too hard for me to chase the 3 year old around.

So despite my misgivings about "messing" with nature, I was adament that I wanted a stretch and sweep at my 40 week appointment (if you want to know what a S&S does, check this out). My house was ready, my body felt ready, and I was desperate not to be pregnant for one more day.

The afternoon of October 16th, I visited my midwife and had the procedure done. I also had a really good cry in the clinic, and was reassured by my lovely caregiver that I would indeed go into labour, and no, I would not be pregnant forever. I think the emotional release paired with the membrane sweep helped to kick start things.

I immediately began having contractions on the drive home, and by dinner time, I was up and pacing the dining room while hubby and A ate their dinner. I knew something was up when my stomach told me to avoid the fettucine alfredo and opt for toast and yogurt instead. I still managed to lie down with A before bedtime, and her nighttime nursing brought on a whole new set of painful contractions.

By 8pm, contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and about 30 seconds long. They were painful enough that I had to get up and move through them, but I could still talk through some of the weaker ones. I texted my doula, and also my midwife. I wasn't sure what to do, as I knew that second labours could be quick, and I was already in a regular contraction pattern. My midwife advised me to get into the bath and see what happened. Sure enough, my contractions stopped the minute I began soaking in the warm water. Crestfallen, I made my way to bed, almost positive I was going to wake up the next morning still pregnant.

Hubby got to sleep quickly, and I made my way to the spare bedroom, as I still felt restless. As soon as I lied down, contractions began coming every 10 minutes, moving quickly to every 9, 8 and 7 minutes. Finally, I couldn't stand lying down anymore and decided to get out of bed. It was about 10:30pm.

The second my feet hit the floor, contractions were on top of me, about every 2 minutes. My endorphins hadn't kicked in yet, so this was probably the only time during the entire labour that I felt I wasn't coping well. I was alone in the basement (where we were going to labour, hoping to avoid waking A up), moaning loudly, and panicking slightly. I yelled for Tom to wake up, and he sleepily joined me downstairs while I cursed and complained. I called my doula and asked her what she thought - she asked me what I wanted to do, and worried it was still too early, I told her I'd call her back in half an hour. As soon as I hung up the phone I had a giant contraction. I called her right back and told her to come as soon as possible! Meanwhile, Tom phoned my midwife and let her know that things were progressing.

By midnight my support team had arrived and I was feeling much calmer. I managed contractions without too much difficulty, and still had time for a smile and a joke or two. Tom was busy filling up the birth pool, and my doula was providing wonderful hands-on support.

I soon decided it was time to get into the birth pool, only to realize we'd drained the hot water tank and cold water had been pumping into the pool. It was lukewarm at best, and Tom had to drain some of the water out and  head up to the kitchen to boil some pots. I stayed in there anyway, and within about an hour, we had it back to a temperature that would be sufficient for the baby (should she be born in the water).

Somwhere around 1am I had my first urge to push. It wasn't strong, and when I began to try pushing, I had intense pain in my back and lower abdomen. My midwife checked me in the pool, and we realized I still had cervix left. We suspected baby was sunny-side up, which usually causes a premature urge to push, and also leads to pretty intense back pain. My midwife suggested I get out of the tub and try some different positions to help baby turn.

At this point I was going through transition and dry heaving into a bucket. The transfer out of the tub was super hard, and I remember repeating "I can do it" over and over in my head. After a while, and a bunch of position changes later, I finally had an uncontrollable urge to push, and knew that baby girl was finally on her way. I had been expecting my second stage this labour to be really quick, and I remember yelling "who told me this was going to happen in two pushes?!!" It certainly wasn't two pushes, but it also wasn't the epic 2 hour, 45 minute second stage I'd had with A.

By this time my second midwife had arrived, and my incredible photographer had been snapping shots for the past 2 hours. My midwives convinced me to move out of the bathroom (I was about to give birth on the bathroom floor, only because I didn't want to get up!), and I ended up side lying next to the fire. How romantic!!

My midwife asked my permission to break the bag of water when baby girl's head was crowning. As fascinating as it would have been to see her born in the caul, I was more than ready to have her born, and knew that the slippery bag of water was making pushing slightly longer. I gave my OK, and within minutes she was born. She cried before I even pushed her shoulders out, and it was the sweetest sound! Finally, at 2:44am, there she was on my chest.

The difference between this labour and my first was huge. I was entirely aware of my body this time around, and felt every little pain and discomfort (as well as every little joy!) I was also aware of my "doula-ing" everybody else, as in between contractions I was asking Tom to make coffee and defrost muffins. It was hard to ignore my desire to make everyone else happy, and I remember thinking (after the delay in my pushing and baby girl's OP position) "oh no! everyone is waiting for me to push her out so they can go home and get some sleep!" Silly, I know, but hard to ignore when you're a doula :)

In some ways, this birth was ten times easier than my last, and yet a lot harder. Because I was so aware of what was going on this time, I felt I had a lot of mental hurdles to get over as I progressed. I forgot how much it really, really hurts! Despite the pain, we were over the moon with our experience - the care we received from my midwives, our doula, and our fantastic photographer made this a night we will never forget.

Welcome to the world baby girl.

Zen: 37 Weeks and Counting

Dearest Baby,

I would love to say that I have been this "zen" throughout the months you have been growing in my belly. I wish I could tell you that I only thought happy thoughts - that I meditated and did yoga every day, and ate only organic fruits and vegetables.

Alas, I have not been this good.

I have leaned over the toilet bowl more times than I care to remember.

I have eaten boxes of macaroni and cheese, bacon sandwiches and fruit sprayed with pesticides.

I have stumbled into the house after a day's work, only to head to bed with a blinding, debilitating migraine.

I have cried into my pillow, wishing that I could just have my body and my energy back.

I have burst into tears over silly things, slammed doors and yelled at your big sister (and your poor Daddy).

I melted in the summer heat, and found short walks to be the only exercise I could tolerate.

BUT....yes, my sweet baby girl, there is a "but."

I have put my hand on my belly in awe of your kicks and tumbles. I have rolled and bounced on the exercise ball. I have gone to yoga classes, and reconnected with you on a spiritual level. I have already imagined what your tiny hands and feet will look like. I have held other newborns, and excitedly pictured myself holding you. I have shared my love for you with your big sister, and together we sing songs to you before bed each night.

No, the pregnancy has not been bliss. It has not been zen. But it has been special in more ways than I could have ever imagined, and I am cherishing this - the last time I will grow a baby - with all my might.

I spent 28 years becoming "me" - growing from a child to a woman, falling in and out of love, and meeting and marrying my life partner, your Daddy. For the past 4 years, I have conceived and raised your big sister. By the time I am 37 years old, both you and your sister will be in school - needing me less, and releasing me from these "early years." Around the age of 50, I will have another 35 (if I'm lucky) years as an empty-nester, where I will rediscover the "me" without my children around.

These early years of childbearing and child rearing are just a teeny, weeny slice in the pie of life. On many days they feel as though they will never end, but I think I'm smart enough to recognize they will end. And that I will miss them.

And so we wait for you in joy and anticipation, and on rare occasions - in the dead of the night when I am pacing the floors, or in the morning when I feel you wake, or during the day when you kick and roll - I can say that I almost....almost...feel zen about it all.

Love Mommy

There's Onwy Two Fings I Yike

This is what my daughter says to me now at every bedtime:

"There's only two things I like" (or see the cuter version of this above in the title).

She holds up two stubby little fingers, and says,

"Mama's milk. And suckie."

When I ask her if those are the only two things she likes in the whole world, she thinks for a little while and then says,

"There's onwy five fings I yike. Mama's milk, suckie, water, flashlights and stuffed animals."

Apparently, there are quite a few things a 3 year-old needs to fall asleep!

And yes, you heard right. My 3 year-old continues to breastfeed AND still has a pacifier. Move over Jamie Grumet. I'm the next in line to be on the cover of Time!! Imagine it - my daughter standing on a chair, breastfeeding, with my 9 month pregnant belly hanging out for all to see. AND, the floor could be littered with pacifiers. They might hire a famous dentist to tell the world about how my child's teeth will be forever damaged by my "mom enough" parenting techniques.

Here's the thing....I really don't feel extreme. And I think any other Mom who is doing extended breastfeeding would tell you the same thing. When I first started breastfeeding, I really, really hated it. In fact, I hated it so much that I was only going to continue utnil 6 months and then quit (I almost quit several times along the way, but had a lot of supportive people backing me up). All of a sudden though, when I got to 6 months of age, breastfeeding became easy. I actually liked it, and not in some weird, perverse kind of way that some men (and some women) seem to imagine. I liked it because it was convenient, it helped me to bond with my daughter (who had screamed and cried for the first 6 months of her life), and it was the only thing that calmed her down when she was experiencing symptoms of reflux.

Somehow time flew by, and we got to 2 years of age. And I thought, wow, I'm really unique. Hardly anyone I know breastfeeds their 2 year old. And because I like being unique and "different," I was quite proud of this fact. Now, I'm just in a whole new category of unique. Even the majority of my parenting friends who identify with an attachment parenting philosophy are no longer breastfeeding at 3 years (to be clear, this has to do with the fact that many children wean themselves before age three - not that AP parents are somehow failing if they don't do extended breastfeeding. And of course, you can still be an AP parent and give up breastfeeding at some point because of various reasons!!)

It's not like I got here on purpose. I didn't give birth, and immediately exclaim to the world "I shall breastfeed my daughter until she is a preschooler!!" In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit that I thought people who breastfed toddlers and preschoolers were really, really weird (this was due to my lack of experience and understanding of my child and my body....clearly I'm much more informed and MUCH less inclined to judge any parenting decision now)

But what is important to know about extended breastfeeding is that it really, really works for some families. And you just can't judge something that works, can you? Those of you who know my child know that she is a fully functioning, independent and sunny little girl. She is not strangely attached to me, and I wouldn't consider myself even close to a helicopter parent. I'm just a regular 'ol mama, doing something that helps my daughter get to sleep at night. I will cherish these memories forever.

I thought I would share a few other notes about our experience, just in case you were curious and had some questions:

• I do not breastfeed my daughter in public. I feel uncomfortable doing it, not because I think that extended breastfeeding is wrong, but because I know others do, and I want to avoid the judgement.
• She breastfeeds about two times per day - once first thing in the morning, and once right before bed. If she asks for it at other times, it's because she's tired (i.e. just woke up from a nap) or because she's getting sick
• Yes, it did hurt quite a bit throughout my pregnancy. The worst was from about 3-6 months, when my milk basically dried up. We actually thought she had weaned herself (she started to ask for it every 3-4 days), but suddenly my milk showed up again, and she was back to daily breastfeeding.
• I do plan on tandem nursing. I believe that it will help my daughter adjust to the new baby, and will probably also be a fantastic tool to use to calm the jealous monster. Tandem nursing doesn't necessarily mean I will have two kids hanging off my boobs - it just means that if my daughter wants "mama's milk" she will be able to get some! She's a little too busy to be sitting in my lap for extended periods of time.
• When people tell me she doesn't "need" to breastfeed, I feel inclined to ask them whether they "need" to drink that glass of milk with dinner. Perhaps it's time you weaned yourself from the cow's teet. Don't try to pretend the middle man (or machine) who milks the cow makes it any different.
• I will be honest in saying that husband is not 100% supportive of breastfeeding daughter. He's about 90% supportive - I think part of him wishes I were slightly more "normal" sometimes :) But given that it has absolutely no impact on our relationship, he really doesn't care very much.
• When will I stop? When will my daughter stop? I don't know - truly, I don't. I feel strongly that breastfeeding is a relationship - I'm not into child-led weaning, because I would certainly encourage her to stop if it was bothering me. But I also wouldn't just quit on her and refuse to do it if I felt that she wasn't ready. I think we will take things month-by-month. I have a feeling that once she knows she has access to "mama's milk" whenever she needs it after the baby is born, she will probably identify it more with what the baby does

Oh, and as for the pacifiers? We know that those DO need to go - we're waiting until the new baby adjustment period is over, and will encourage her to give them up at some point in the new year. Our dentist friends will be proud :)

Making Mistakes

When I first started my doula training, I gave no thought to the business side of my work. The extraordinarily wise Susan Martensen (our doula training teacher) warned about some of the challenges of owning your own business, but I never paid heed. I was too caught up in the heady aspects of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. I naively thought I'd be someone's saviour - doula to the rescue!! Little did I know that "business" would take up more than half the time I spend doing my job.

I've already written a bit about my doula journey, but I find as time passes by (I will soon be marking my 35th birth!), I have become that much more reflective.

And the truth is, I keep reflecting on the mistakes I've made. Maybe it's that time of year - the end of summer, the start of school, and the planning for hibernation that comes with Fall. It's a time for self reflection. Or maybe it's because I'm nine months pregnant and slightly emotional.

Whatever the case may be, these mistakes I've made on my business path are niggling away at me. And really, they can't be labelled "business mistakes" - when it comes down to it, I screwed up with a couple of clients I worked for, and I'm feeling guilty about it.

Part of the yucky feelings I have when reflecting on these births have to do with the fact that there are people out in the world who think badly of me. I have a hard time with this. I am a people pleaser - the comments written in school reports by my teachers in Kindergarten straight through to Grade 6 were that I was always smiling, and always eager to please.

I go out of my way to avoid conflict in my life, but that usually ends up in me creating or causing conflict, as I'm rarely clear about my personal boundaries and intentions. I tend to say "yes!" all the time, and if I think that I've hurt someone's feelings or haven't followed through on something, I use the avoidance strategy. Juvenile, and not at all particularly helpful, this strategy allows me to avoid confrontation.

To be a successful entrepreneur, one must first recognize that

a) You will have dissatisfied customers. Someone, somewhere down the road, will not be happy with your product or services; and

b) You must have measures in place to recognize mistakes and learn from them

And learn I have! I feel ten times more comfortable as a doula now than I did back when I wrote this post. I recognize that the stress of the job requires me to limit the number of clients I take (no matter how many times I've been contacted by someone who sounds SO interesting and lovely, or have been called to help out at a unique birth...frank breech presentation anyone??). I also recognize the importance of time off, and scheduling in a month or two where I am taking a break from the crazy on-call schedule.

I have learned to be grown-up, and face confrontation. The mistakes that I have made are due to a number of variables, and I realize that much of it can be chalked up to a lack of communication (both on my part and theirs), and basic inexperience. I also recognize that no matter how much I "try" and have my best doula hat on, sometimes I just won't be overly helpful at births. Maybe the mother is amazingly calm and able to handle her labour with little support. Maybe she has too many support people at her birth, which means that I don't have a whole lot to do. Or maybe the birth becomes so medically complicated that my role is overshadowed by a whole lot of doctors, residents and nurses.

Don't get me wrong - I do believe I've been a good doula, and perhaps even a great doula for the majority of my clients. But it doesn't stop the yucky, sad feelings that pop up occasionally when I bump into the one or two clients who are unsatisfied with my services (Ottawa is a tiny place!).

Doula work is messy - it's based in emotions, which can be difficult to navigate at the best of times. Throw in being awake for 24 hours or attending two back-to-back births, and you've sometimes got a problem on your hands!

Despite the challenges, the past year as a doula has brought me so much joy and satisfaction, and the experience I've gained overshadows the earlier mistakes I made. But I think my planned sabbatical is causing me to become reflective and I occasionally wish for a time machine to go back and change some of the things I've done.

I'm curious to hear from my doula friends or fellow entrepreneurs. How do you handle your mistakes?

Update

What? Whoa, wait a minute. Where did August go?

Life has gotten a little crazy around here! I have about a half dozen unfinished blog posts that I just can't be bothered to complete. I think there's something important that happens in the final stages of pregnancy - women seem to turn inward, and go into their own little third trimester bubble. The things we normally focus on and stress about don't seem important when a 4-5 lb human being is doing soccer practice in our belly.

And so it should be! Birth is an event that requires a lot of inward-ness. I find the last two months are an important time for me to slow down and take care of myself. I try to make time for things like yoga, meditation, pedicures, nights out alone, long baths....

Or at least I did the first time around.

This time, I've been a bit of a busy bee. I attended a record FOUR births in July (keeping in mind I still have a 3 day/week job), and tending to postpartum families has kept me busy. In mid-August, we said goodbye to our beloved childcare provider and began our family vacation.

We kicked off vacation time with a much needed haircut!

Then off to Achray Campground for a week!

Beautiful full moon

A loving the "big rocks"

View over the Barron Canyon (that's my belly there...can you see it?)

And finally, A's big Birthday Bash

There's my belly again! Hiding!

My prego belly is not featured very prominently in any of our pictures this summer. Some of it is that I really don't like many pictures taken of me, and most of it is that my belly is just not that big. People seem to think this is a very good thing, and like to comment on it a lot (oh my god, you're so SMALL!!). But it's all relative, because I certainly don't FEEL small. I feel a bit more like a whale - especially at night. A whale who has gotten stuck on her back, and can't seem to roll over without a lot of assistance....like maybe one of those big nets, or a crane.

Anyway, that's us for now. I'm sure blogging will pick up again soon, but for now, I'm simply enjoying reading other people's amazing blogs!

I look forward to sharing the professional shots that my friend Sara McConnell will be taking of us in a couple of weeks!

Stream of Consciousness

It's rainy here. The drizzly kind of rain we've been waiting for.

The crunchy brown grass has perked up, and looks skyward, lapping up every drop.

This week has been quiet, filled with steady work and lazy days - I've avoided the commute to work, and have rolled the exercise ball into my home office. For some reason, I can't stand going in to work these days. The fluorescent lighting and stale air drives me nuts. The home office is quiet, and sometimes lonely, but the drone of Olympic coverage in the background keeps me company.

Big changes are coming our way, and my homebody-ness is probably a symptom of the anxiety I feel. A has already moved into her "big girl" room without a hitch. Next week we say goodbye to our long-time care provider. We'll be enjoying a two-week family vacation this month before I send my little girl off to her first day of school.

I'm conscious that my due date is fast approaching, and panicky that nothing is "ready." The baby room is in a state of disrepair, and I have yet to pull out and sort through all the newborn stuff. There are no frozen meals in the freezer, and the list of rooms that need a thorough cleaning grows every day. Despite the mild panic, I know that my baby needs very little - some sleepers, diapers, milk and a warm body.

This little monkey I'm growing continues to kick me down below, and I know that her head rests close to my heart. While this conjures up a sweet image, I will be glad for the day she flips. At almost 31 weeks, we are wondering what's taking her so long. A visit to a chiropractor next week may help, and I'm starting to use some of the exercises and tips from this wonderful site.

For now, I can finally enjoy hot tea, stew and freshly baked bread, as the rain keeps the house cool and damp. The oven has come back to life!

Have a wonderful, wet weekend.

Recipe Week Post #3: Lentils, lentils and more lentils

Okay, okay, so I'm slightly obsessed with lentils - if you can't already tell from my first and second post this week. And I JUST discovered an organization called Canadian Lentils, which (although they're not very clear about their mandate on the website) I believe supports Canadian lentil growers.

But I realize not everyone is overly fond of the little bean. I'm married to one of those people *SOB* I remain convinced that I can convert the wayward lad, and bring him over to the land of plentiful little lentils.

Here's why I love lentils:

• I just can't get over how easy lentils are to cook - no soaking necessary! They take on the flavour of any sauce/soup you put them in, and can be ground down to make fantastic dips. They're also lovely in salads!

• A huge package of lentils will cost me $1.50, compared to the $10-15 (sometimes more!) I spend on a meal that includes chicken, pork or beef.

• They're packed with fibre and protein and all sorts of healthy vitamins/minerals. If you pair lentils with a grain or cheese, you end up with a complete protein, something which is really important if you're eating vegetarian while pregnant.

This is called Curried Red Lentil and Kale Soup, and was adapted from Living Without

2 tbsp veggie oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 small onion, diced
1 celery stalk, diced
1 large carrot, diced
2 medium potatoes, diced
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp curry powder
1 cup red lentils
1 cup chopped kale
4 cups veggie stock (I mixed 2 cups water, 2 cups veggie stock to cut down)
1/4 tsp ground coriander
1/8 tsp ground cumin
2 tsps lemon juice
1/4 cup coconut milk

In a large pot, heat oil over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook for several minutes. Add the celery, carrot and potato and cook for 5 minutes until tender.

Add the tomato paste and curry powder, and cook for 30 seconds while stirring. Add the red lentils, stock, coriander and cumin. Bring to a boil, and then reduce heat to medium low. Cover the pot and simmer for 10 minutes.

Add the kale and cook for another 5 minutes.

Garnish with lemon juice and coconut milk and enjoy! Serve with freshly baked whole grain bread or naan bread.

Recipe Week Post #2: When Two Tastes Collide

When I first met my husband, I thought he was an adventurous eater. He happily accompanied me to Indian and Thai restaurants, and suffered through my disastrous first attempts at cooking (anything other than boxed Mac & Cheese and chicken nuggets). We started dating soon after I was back from a trip to Thailand, and I was eager to expand my somewhat limited repertoire of teenage recipes (by the way, I STILL use my Clueless in the Kitchen cookbook on a regular basis. It's amazing for simple, go-to recipes).

However, I later discovered that my husband was, in fact, just trying to woo me, and really had little interest in the alternatives. He was raised on meat, potatoes and veggies, and his favourite meal is still barbecued chicken breast with some kind of sugar-laden sauce gooped all over it. Over the years, he has had to endure my commitment to buying only humanely-raised local meat, sourcing a cow for raw milk (and attempting to make my own cheese, yogurt and butter), and cooking with copious amounts of legumes. And he has been very supportive...truly.

It's tough, however, to spend a lot of time on recipes and meals that are not enjoyed by the whole family. Hubby eats my forays into vegetarianism and veganism to be polite, but darling daughter doesn't even bother.  While I'm moaning and oohing over the tasty things I throw together, husband is blandly picking away at his plate, and daughter is throwing hers at the wall.

It's been a REAL struggle trying to find recipes that please us all, and most of the time I just fail - I often end up making my own dish, and pairing it with a hunka meat (local, pasture-raised) that's been thrown on the bbq. However, there is one dish so far that's been a winner for the whole family. Every time I make this, we all gobble it up!

Warning: You must be open to eating lotsa butta if you want to try this recipe. I strongly feel that, unless you have dairy allergies, butter should be part of a well-rounded diet. It's silly to shun all saturated fats, especially in favour of chemically-laden margarines (ick!!). However, if you DO need an alternative, check out Earth Balance. They don't work as well in this dish, but it could certainly be a substitute!

Pasta with Red Lentils and Spinach
(taken from Didi Emmons Vegetarian Planet)

1 lb whole wheat pasta (or your fav gluten free variety)
8 tbsp of butter or butter alternative - don't even think about skimping here!!
2 garlic cloves, smooshed
2 inches of ginger, cut into thin strips (hubby detests big pieces of ginger, so I've sometimes resorted to using 1 tsp of dried ginger or pre-processed mashed ginger)
1/2 tsp dried sage
3/4 cup red lentils
1 cup water
3 cups spinach, packed
salt and pepper to taste (I personally find I need at least 1/2 tsp salt for this dish)

Cook pasta, and set aside. In large skillet, melt butter over medium heat, just until it begins to brown. Add ginger and garlic and cook until fragrant. Next, add sage, lentils, water and salt. Bring to a boil, and then lower the heat and simmer (covered) for 10 minutes or until lentils are just tender (they can still be slightly crunchy).  Stir in spinach and cook until wilted. Add pasta, and cook until heated through. Season with pepper and watch with pleasure as your family devours it.

Recipe Week: Eating for Two

Clearly, I'm not a food photographer, because if you head over to Oh She Glows (where I got this recipe), you will see a much prettier picture of the dish above. My friend and fellow blogger Jayda Siggers, has inspired my choices of recipes this week!

This week I'll be sharing the meals that I'm cooking up, to feed my babies' demand for more protein and iron (and my own demand for more fibre!!) My goal with all the meals this week will be to add:

- more greens
- a rainbow of colours
- as much fibre as I can take (pregnant gals, you know what I'm talking about!)
- non-dairy, non-meat sources of protein

Today's dish - which was eaten for dinner last night - is called the Lightened Up Protein Power Goddess Bowl (lightened up because the blogger has adapted this recipe to include less fat). Gotta love that name! I made some adjustments to the recipe, based on what I had in the veggie drawer:

1 cup green lentils, cooked ahead of time
1 cup quinoa, cooked ahead of time
1/2 tbsp veggie oil
1/2 onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
1/4 head of purple cabbage, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
3 cups kale, chopped
1/2 cup fresh parsley, minced
1 batch Tahini-Lemon Dressing (see below)
salt and pepper to taste
squeeze of lemon juice

Make dressing, and cook lentils and quinoa in advance. In a large skillet, heat oil over medium heat. Saute onion and garlic for 5 minutes, and then add cabbage and tomato. Saute for another 7-8 minutes. Stir in chopped kale and cook just until tender. Add the tahini-lemon dressing, lentils and quinoa. Remove from heat and stir in parsley. Serve warm with a squirt of lemon juice on top (Makes 6 cupes - I cut the recipe in half last night!)

Tahini-Lemon Dressing


1/4 cup tahini
2 garlic cloves
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice (about 2 lemons)
1/4 cup nutritional yeast (had no idea what this was, but found it at Bulk Barn!)
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp of water (or as much as needed to achieve desired consistency)

In a food processor, combine all ingredients. Makes about 1 cup of dressing.

Postpartum Adjustment: My Plan of Attack

In my last post, I talked a bit about our plan to keep A in preschool/daycare while I'm on maternity leave.

This may seem like a crazy decision for a couple as cash-strapped as we are, but both my husband and I agree that it may save our collective sanity.

When you are pregnant, levels of the female hormone estrogen and progesterone increase greatly. For some of you, this may lead to shiny hair, clear skin and that pregnant "glow" everyone talks about (unfortunately for me, the clear skin is nowhere to be found). But in the days following the birth of your child, your hormones take a bit of a nosedive:

Image Source

That's right - they go back to their pre-pregnancy state in a jiffy, even though you had a good 10 months to adjust to their increased levels. Nature likes to play cruel tricks on us women.


It is thought that these drastic hormonal changes are what cause women to experience the baby blues; and, if you happen to be extra sensitive to all this bodily chaos, you may go on to develop postpartum depression or anxiety.

I knew all of this in theory when I was pregnant with my first child, but unrealistic expectations and lack of experience set me up for some serious postpartum adjustment in the days following A’s birth. So for this pregnancy, we’ve thought a lot about how to avoid some of the issues we (and I say “we” because my partner had to go through this change with me) faced the first time around. I like to call this my postpartum plan of attack or Plan Red. Because truly, I do sometimes feel that I’m going to battle with my emotions:

Zones of Operation
We will be planning for a home birth again. We toyed with idea of going to the hospital this time (just to avoid having A wake up in the night or be disturbed by the birth), but when I brought up the idea, my husband looked at me, aghast, and said “don’t make me go there” in a little boy voice.

So we are staying home, because apparently my husband needs it more than I do.

Allies
It is imperative to have decent help on hand following the birth of a baby, even more so when there are other children that need taking care of.

These have to be helpful people, though. Don’t invite anyone you feel slightly uncomfortable around (as they will be seeing you in your most vulnerable state), and make sure they’re there to cook and clean. Holding the baby is only an option when I am tired and would like a break to take a shower or a snooze. I will be calling in the troops, in the form of my mother, mother-in-law, and sisters-in-law (if they can spare the time). The hope is to have someone staying with us for the entire first month.

I am also hiring a postpartum doula, who will be there as an objective support person. She will support me with breastfeeding, suggest resources/tips I might need, and basically be a good listener (someone that is not scared of listening to me cry or blubber).

Supplies
Yep, I’m taking the plunge, and doing something that even the crunchiest of crunchy finds slightly repulsive. I am going to eat my placenta. I have a doula friend who will be taking my baby's hunka meat, drying it in a dehydrator, grinding it down, and then putting it into capsules for me to consume. I’ve written about this before, but never thought I’d actually do it. I’m desperate enough to see if it makes any difference in my emotions/mood following the birth – I would probably eat fried monkey if someone told me it could help.

Contingency
It’s always best to have a contingency plan in place in case something unexpected comes up. Although we’re hoping that this little baby does not have reflux, we’re open to the idea that it may happen. Which is where preschool comes in – taking care of a child who cries all day (and night) and does not sleep is difficult in the best of times. We want our older daughter to have some sense of structure and routine, just in case we are hit once again with the “reflux blues.”

We’ve also thought about what might happen if I have to transfer to hospital or have a baby who is sick. Again, we’re counting on our “allies” to pitch in and help. The past three years in Ottawa has given me time to meet many wonderful parents, some of whom have become great friends. So although we’re planning for the worst, we’re also hoping for the best – this time, we have reinforcements!

Preschool

It's official! A. has been registered in preschool.

This may not sound like anything newsworthy to you, but for our family, it's a big step.

A's reflux troubles forced me to look for childcare that offered her a lot of one-on-one time. I needed a childcare provider who believed in attachment parenting, because my daughter did not respond to anything else. At one year of age (when I was preparing to head back to work), she still could not put herself to sleep for a nap, and had to be rocked. Her reflux issues had gotten better, but she was on a restricted diet, with no soy or dairy products.

We ruled out a large daycare centre immediately. A was sensitive to everything - loud noises, too many children and bright lights would have been difficult for her to manage at such a young age. So we began to look into private (licensed and unlicensed) daycare providers in our area.

I thought the search would take months, but we found someone almost immediately. I knew right away over the phone that she was the right childcare provider for us - her voice was kind, and she sympathized with A's constant crying and fussing. Although I'm sure she was wondering what she'd gotten herself into, she took on my daughter like another child in her family!

Lately, however, there are clear signs that A needs a different environment. First of all, she's a very spirited little girl, and like most first-born children, she requires a lot of guidance with activities. Playing by herself is not something she does very often. In a home environment, there is always time needed to prepare activities and clean up messes. Daycare centres are better equipped to deal with all the painting, claying, crafting and toys, as lessons/activities are planned well in advance.

As much as I wish I had the energy to be a crafty, homeschooling Mom, I know that it's not in my nature. I'm a bookworm, I like a lot of quiet, and my idea of a fun time is to listen to music, strum away on my guitar or try a new recipe. I'm definitely not cut out for exciting, daily craft ideas or inventive/educational games. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy playing with my daughter, but I certainly don't feel capable of providing her with an enriching educational environment, day-in and day-out.

So, with maternity leave approaching, we decided it was time to transition A to a preschool centre, where she will stay until it's time for Kindergarten. Financially, it's a little silly to keep your children in daycare when you are at home and perfectly able to care for them. But mentally and emotionally, I think it makes a lot of sense. I have been saving money for over a year now, just to be able to pay to have A in part-time preschool while I'm on maternity leave (and maybe I'll explain more the reasoning behind this decision in another post!)

Like any mother, I am anxious about the transition, and fretting over how she will fit in. Will she get along with the other kids? Will she scream and cry when I drop her off? Will she learn how to nap in a roomful of children? These are all unknowns, and right now, I'm trying to tell myself that things will find their own way of working out. Until then, we are talking about "school" a lot, and discussing how things will be different in September.

How did your child transition to daycare/preschool? Did anything make it easier on you or them?

{this moment} Gatineau Hike

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Visit SouleMama to link your "moment"