The High Needs Toddler

As first time parents, we're constantly questioning our skills, our judgement, and our ability to steer our child in the right direction. When A was a baby, I found myself consulting books and websites almost daily. I would type questions in Google, such as "why does my baby cry all day long" or "how do I get my baby to sleep longer than 45 minutes."

We thought we were just crappy parents. We couldn't understand why we were more tired, on edge and struggling more than our fellow new parents. We soon discovered it had nothing to do with our parenting abilities, and everything to do with the little person we had been blessed with. A was not only a high needs baby, but she also suffered from GERD, or gastroesophageal reflux disease. Medication and time were our saviours, and by one year of age, we felt we were finally exiting the fog of gloom we had been living in for so long. I've heard of parents of GERDlings opting for vasectomies after their experience, and I fully understand this decision.

Our little baby grew, and turned into an engaging and extremely verbal two year old. She speaks in full sentences, and says things like "Mommy and I had an argument, and I was so frustrated" (honestly!) We thought that when she was able to tell us precisely how she felt, that her tantrums and frustrations would subside.

Not so. Clearly, the books are not always correct. Having a child with good communication skills does not  equal a life of ease in the toddler world. Our high needs baby has grown up into a high needs toddler, and as of late, the household dynamic has not been good. There has been screaming (A), tantrums (A), yelling (Mommy) and more tantrums (Mommy).

And maybe I'm just making things sound worse than they are. As with all moms, I get to see the full spectrum of emotions from my child - when we're out (especially in the outdoors) she's a perfect little angel.

Being pregnant and sick has not helped the situation, and every morning that I'm working has turned into a battleground between myself and my daughter. Husband has started early mornings at the golf course, and misses most of the commotion.

Part of the problem seems to be A's "sensitivities"....to pretty much everything. She can't stand socks on her feet (she says they hurt, and the seam bothers her); any pants that are touching her feet are immediately taken off and thrown on the floor (and if they're tight in the waist, watch out!); brushing her hair is almost impossible given her curly knots; brushing teeth is a hit and miss; her coat bothers her when it pulls her sleeves up; and the car seat buckle is always too tight. And rather than just dealing with these issues by whining, A launches herself into full-blown tantrums over the smallest annoyance.

So far, my answer to the problem is three-fold:

1) Stay calm. Talk in a quiet voice. Reassure her that socks are not her enemy

2) Ignore the tantrums. This is hard when there are no rooms to lock myself away in my house.

3) Lose my cool, and begin yelling in return. Not a good strategy, I know.

The morning ends with me hauling a screaming A over my shoulder, no socks, no shoes, no coat, and hair not brushed. The neighbours must think we've lost it.

I need a change, because I have to deal with this by myself for at least 5 more months while husband works at the golf course. And starting my day in a terrible mood is not an option.

So far, my only solution has been to research products that might make dressing a little easier. Luvmum*** is a local Canadian business that carries brands of clothing for children with sensitivities. I plan on purchasing some seamless socks, and maybe some comfortable pants. As for the rest of the morning routine, I'm searching around for a fun/magnetic calendar we can use to teach A about the benefits of grooming :)

Any ideas for this tired mama?

***Luvmum is no longer operational. If you have any suggestions for other companies selling clothing for kids with sensitivities, leave a comment below!

{Ottawa Doula} Frame of Mind

Before I even knew that the term "attachment parenting" existed, I was raising my daughter in a way that aligned well with this style of parenting. All the books and articles I read only confirmed my beliefs, and helped me to become more confident in the instincts that I was following. It certainly wasn't the norm to parent in this way, but that didn't stop me!

However, as with all ideas, beliefs and value systems, nothing is ever black and white. Attached parents may not be able to follow this frame of mind all the time, and different children require different strategies.

Although I can't call my child "different," I can certainly call her many other things - spirited, gregarious, head-strong, and challenging, to name a few.

Maybe she's only challenging to ME, the parent, who is perhaps less suited to this type of personality (I like quiet - lots of it!) But the most important lesson I've learned (so far) as a parent, is that we must accept our children for who they are, not what we think they should be.

Of late, we've had some challenges with A (not surprising, given she's 2!), that have made me question my attachment parenting frame of mind. I breastfed (still do), babywore, co-slept, avoided cry-it-out techniques and tried to understand my baby's cues. I didn't do all of this just because I read it in a book - I did a lot of it naturally (although self consciously at times).

Now that we're in the toddler years, and I'm working two jobs, the struggles with sleep and nighttime parenting have become an issue. For a while, we thought we were "in the clear," when she started sleeping through the night. That only lasted several months until she started waking up again - very predictably, at 1am and 5am.

It doesn't necessarily bother me to comfort her back to sleep and occasionally share the bed. What is bothering me is a niggling thought that I need to be "tougher." That given my child's boisterous personality, I need to perhaps apply some stricter boundaries.

It helps me to think about it this way - when am I giving up TOO much, just to make her happy? When am I ignoring all my needs?

And so last night, we had a big cry-fest, when I refused to give in to her demands. We can't shut the door and leave, as she knows how to open the door, but I just sat beside her while she threw a MEGA tantrum at 4:30am. She eventually went back to sleep, sniffling and hiccuping in that horribly sad way.

This is where my frame of reference becomes foggy, and I can't determine my true feelings. If I am an attached parent, don't I want to avoid letting her cry like this? Yet, if I tap into my needs and desires, don't I really need/want an extra hour or two of sleep before starting our day?

So my attachment parenting friends out there - tell me your experiences. Can I be an attached parent and avoid giving in to every nighttime need?