Zen: 37 Weeks and Counting

Dearest Baby,

I would love to say that I have been this "zen" throughout the months you have been growing in my belly. I wish I could tell you that I only thought happy thoughts - that I meditated and did yoga every day, and ate only organic fruits and vegetables.

Alas, I have not been this good.

I have leaned over the toilet bowl more times than I care to remember.

I have eaten boxes of macaroni and cheese, bacon sandwiches and fruit sprayed with pesticides.

I have stumbled into the house after a day's work, only to head to bed with a blinding, debilitating migraine.

I have cried into my pillow, wishing that I could just have my body and my energy back.

I have burst into tears over silly things, slammed doors and yelled at your big sister (and your poor Daddy).

I melted in the summer heat, and found short walks to be the only exercise I could tolerate.

BUT....yes, my sweet baby girl, there is a "but."

I have put my hand on my belly in awe of your kicks and tumbles. I have rolled and bounced on the exercise ball. I have gone to yoga classes, and reconnected with you on a spiritual level. I have already imagined what your tiny hands and feet will look like. I have held other newborns, and excitedly pictured myself holding you. I have shared my love for you with your big sister, and together we sing songs to you before bed each night.

No, the pregnancy has not been bliss. It has not been zen. But it has been special in more ways than I could have ever imagined, and I am cherishing this - the last time I will grow a baby - with all my might.

I spent 28 years becoming "me" - growing from a child to a woman, falling in and out of love, and meeting and marrying my life partner, your Daddy. For the past 4 years, I have conceived and raised your big sister. By the time I am 37 years old, both you and your sister will be in school - needing me less, and releasing me from these "early years." Around the age of 50, I will have another 35 (if I'm lucky) years as an empty-nester, where I will rediscover the "me" without my children around.

These early years of childbearing and child rearing are just a teeny, weeny slice in the pie of life. On many days they feel as though they will never end, but I think I'm smart enough to recognize they will end. And that I will miss them.

And so we wait for you in joy and anticipation, and on rare occasions - in the dead of the night when I am pacing the floors, or in the morning when I feel you wake, or during the day when you kick and roll - I can say that I almost....almost...feel zen about it all.

Love Mommy

There's Onwy Two Fings I Yike

This is what my daughter says to me now at every bedtime:

"There's only two things I like" (or see the cuter version of this above in the title).

She holds up two stubby little fingers, and says,

"Mama's milk. And suckie."

When I ask her if those are the only two things she likes in the whole world, she thinks for a little while and then says,

"There's onwy five fings I yike. Mama's milk, suckie, water, flashlights and stuffed animals."

Apparently, there are quite a few things a 3 year-old needs to fall asleep!

And yes, you heard right. My 3 year-old continues to breastfeed AND still has a pacifier. Move over Jamie Grumet. I'm the next in line to be on the cover of Time!! Imagine it - my daughter standing on a chair, breastfeeding, with my 9 month pregnant belly hanging out for all to see. AND, the floor could be littered with pacifiers. They might hire a famous dentist to tell the world about how my child's teeth will be forever damaged by my "mom enough" parenting techniques.

Here's the thing....I really don't feel extreme. And I think any other Mom who is doing extended breastfeeding would tell you the same thing. When I first started breastfeeding, I really, really hated it. In fact, I hated it so much that I was only going to continue utnil 6 months and then quit (I almost quit several times along the way, but had a lot of supportive people backing me up). All of a sudden though, when I got to 6 months of age, breastfeeding became easy. I actually liked it, and not in some weird, perverse kind of way that some men (and some women) seem to imagine. I liked it because it was convenient, it helped me to bond with my daughter (who had screamed and cried for the first 6 months of her life), and it was the only thing that calmed her down when she was experiencing symptoms of reflux.

Somehow time flew by, and we got to 2 years of age. And I thought, wow, I'm really unique. Hardly anyone I know breastfeeds their 2 year old. And because I like being unique and "different," I was quite proud of this fact. Now, I'm just in a whole new category of unique. Even the majority of my parenting friends who identify with an attachment parenting philosophy are no longer breastfeeding at 3 years (to be clear, this has to do with the fact that many children wean themselves before age three - not that AP parents are somehow failing if they don't do extended breastfeeding. And of course, you can still be an AP parent and give up breastfeeding at some point because of various reasons!!)

It's not like I got here on purpose. I didn't give birth, and immediately exclaim to the world "I shall breastfeed my daughter until she is a preschooler!!" In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit that I thought people who breastfed toddlers and preschoolers were really, really weird (this was due to my lack of experience and understanding of my child and my body....clearly I'm much more informed and MUCH less inclined to judge any parenting decision now)

But what is important to know about extended breastfeeding is that it really, really works for some families. And you just can't judge something that works, can you? Those of you who know my child know that she is a fully functioning, independent and sunny little girl. She is not strangely attached to me, and I wouldn't consider myself even close to a helicopter parent. I'm just a regular 'ol mama, doing something that helps my daughter get to sleep at night. I will cherish these memories forever.

I thought I would share a few other notes about our experience, just in case you were curious and had some questions:

• I do not breastfeed my daughter in public. I feel uncomfortable doing it, not because I think that extended breastfeeding is wrong, but because I know others do, and I want to avoid the judgement.
• She breastfeeds about two times per day - once first thing in the morning, and once right before bed. If she asks for it at other times, it's because she's tired (i.e. just woke up from a nap) or because she's getting sick
• Yes, it did hurt quite a bit throughout my pregnancy. The worst was from about 3-6 months, when my milk basically dried up. We actually thought she had weaned herself (she started to ask for it every 3-4 days), but suddenly my milk showed up again, and she was back to daily breastfeeding.
• I do plan on tandem nursing. I believe that it will help my daughter adjust to the new baby, and will probably also be a fantastic tool to use to calm the jealous monster. Tandem nursing doesn't necessarily mean I will have two kids hanging off my boobs - it just means that if my daughter wants "mama's milk" she will be able to get some! She's a little too busy to be sitting in my lap for extended periods of time.
• When people tell me she doesn't "need" to breastfeed, I feel inclined to ask them whether they "need" to drink that glass of milk with dinner. Perhaps it's time you weaned yourself from the cow's teet. Don't try to pretend the middle man (or machine) who milks the cow makes it any different.
• I will be honest in saying that husband is not 100% supportive of breastfeeding daughter. He's about 90% supportive - I think part of him wishes I were slightly more "normal" sometimes :) But given that it has absolutely no impact on our relationship, he really doesn't care very much.
• When will I stop? When will my daughter stop? I don't know - truly, I don't. I feel strongly that breastfeeding is a relationship - I'm not into child-led weaning, because I would certainly encourage her to stop if it was bothering me. But I also wouldn't just quit on her and refuse to do it if I felt that she wasn't ready. I think we will take things month-by-month. I have a feeling that once she knows she has access to "mama's milk" whenever she needs it after the baby is born, she will probably identify it more with what the baby does

Oh, and as for the pacifiers? We know that those DO need to go - we're waiting until the new baby adjustment period is over, and will encourage her to give them up at some point in the new year. Our dentist friends will be proud :)

Making Mistakes

When I first started my doula training, I gave no thought to the business side of my work. The extraordinarily wise Susan Martensen (our doula training teacher) warned about some of the challenges of owning your own business, but I never paid heed. I was too caught up in the heady aspects of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. I naively thought I'd be someone's saviour - doula to the rescue!! Little did I know that "business" would take up more than half the time I spend doing my job.

I've already written a bit about my doula journey, but I find as time passes by (I will soon be marking my 35th birth!), I have become that much more reflective.

And the truth is, I keep reflecting on the mistakes I've made. Maybe it's that time of year - the end of summer, the start of school, and the planning for hibernation that comes with Fall. It's a time for self reflection. Or maybe it's because I'm nine months pregnant and slightly emotional.

Whatever the case may be, these mistakes I've made on my business path are niggling away at me. And really, they can't be labelled "business mistakes" - when it comes down to it, I screwed up with a couple of clients I worked for, and I'm feeling guilty about it.

Part of the yucky feelings I have when reflecting on these births have to do with the fact that there are people out in the world who think badly of me. I have a hard time with this. I am a people pleaser - the comments written in school reports by my teachers in Kindergarten straight through to Grade 6 were that I was always smiling, and always eager to please.

I go out of my way to avoid conflict in my life, but that usually ends up in me creating or causing conflict, as I'm rarely clear about my personal boundaries and intentions. I tend to say "yes!" all the time, and if I think that I've hurt someone's feelings or haven't followed through on something, I use the avoidance strategy. Juvenile, and not at all particularly helpful, this strategy allows me to avoid confrontation.

To be a successful entrepreneur, one must first recognize that

a) You will have dissatisfied customers. Someone, somewhere down the road, will not be happy with your product or services; and

b) You must have measures in place to recognize mistakes and learn from them

And learn I have! I feel ten times more comfortable as a doula now than I did back when I wrote this post. I recognize that the stress of the job requires me to limit the number of clients I take (no matter how many times I've been contacted by someone who sounds SO interesting and lovely, or have been called to help out at a unique birth...frank breech presentation anyone??). I also recognize the importance of time off, and scheduling in a month or two where I am taking a break from the crazy on-call schedule.

I have learned to be grown-up, and face confrontation. The mistakes that I have made are due to a number of variables, and I realize that much of it can be chalked up to a lack of communication (both on my part and theirs), and basic inexperience. I also recognize that no matter how much I "try" and have my best doula hat on, sometimes I just won't be overly helpful at births. Maybe the mother is amazingly calm and able to handle her labour with little support. Maybe she has too many support people at her birth, which means that I don't have a whole lot to do. Or maybe the birth becomes so medically complicated that my role is overshadowed by a whole lot of doctors, residents and nurses.

Don't get me wrong - I do believe I've been a good doula, and perhaps even a great doula for the majority of my clients. But it doesn't stop the yucky, sad feelings that pop up occasionally when I bump into the one or two clients who are unsatisfied with my services (Ottawa is a tiny place!).

Doula work is messy - it's based in emotions, which can be difficult to navigate at the best of times. Throw in being awake for 24 hours or attending two back-to-back births, and you've sometimes got a problem on your hands!

Despite the challenges, the past year as a doula has brought me so much joy and satisfaction, and the experience I've gained overshadows the earlier mistakes I made. But I think my planned sabbatical is causing me to become reflective and I occasionally wish for a time machine to go back and change some of the things I've done.

I'm curious to hear from my doula friends or fellow entrepreneurs. How do you handle your mistakes?

Update

What? Whoa, wait a minute. Where did August go?

Life has gotten a little crazy around here! I have about a half dozen unfinished blog posts that I just can't be bothered to complete. I think there's something important that happens in the final stages of pregnancy - women seem to turn inward, and go into their own little third trimester bubble. The things we normally focus on and stress about don't seem important when a 4-5 lb human being is doing soccer practice in our belly.

And so it should be! Birth is an event that requires a lot of inward-ness. I find the last two months are an important time for me to slow down and take care of myself. I try to make time for things like yoga, meditation, pedicures, nights out alone, long baths....

Or at least I did the first time around.

This time, I've been a bit of a busy bee. I attended a record FOUR births in July (keeping in mind I still have a 3 day/week job), and tending to postpartum families has kept me busy. In mid-August, we said goodbye to our beloved childcare provider and began our family vacation.

We kicked off vacation time with a much needed haircut!

Then off to Achray Campground for a week!

Beautiful full moon

A loving the "big rocks"

View over the Barron Canyon (that's my belly there...can you see it?)

And finally, A's big Birthday Bash

There's my belly again! Hiding!

My prego belly is not featured very prominently in any of our pictures this summer. Some of it is that I really don't like many pictures taken of me, and most of it is that my belly is just not that big. People seem to think this is a very good thing, and like to comment on it a lot (oh my god, you're so SMALL!!). But it's all relative, because I certainly don't FEEL small. I feel a bit more like a whale - especially at night. A whale who has gotten stuck on her back, and can't seem to roll over without a lot of assistance....like maybe one of those big nets, or a crane.

Anyway, that's us for now. I'm sure blogging will pick up again soon, but for now, I'm simply enjoying reading other people's amazing blogs!

I look forward to sharing the professional shots that my friend Sara McConnell will be taking of us in a couple of weeks!

Stream of Consciousness

It's rainy here. The drizzly kind of rain we've been waiting for.

The crunchy brown grass has perked up, and looks skyward, lapping up every drop.

This week has been quiet, filled with steady work and lazy days - I've avoided the commute to work, and have rolled the exercise ball into my home office. For some reason, I can't stand going in to work these days. The fluorescent lighting and stale air drives me nuts. The home office is quiet, and sometimes lonely, but the drone of Olympic coverage in the background keeps me company.

Big changes are coming our way, and my homebody-ness is probably a symptom of the anxiety I feel. A has already moved into her "big girl" room without a hitch. Next week we say goodbye to our long-time care provider. We'll be enjoying a two-week family vacation this month before I send my little girl off to her first day of school.

I'm conscious that my due date is fast approaching, and panicky that nothing is "ready." The baby room is in a state of disrepair, and I have yet to pull out and sort through all the newborn stuff. There are no frozen meals in the freezer, and the list of rooms that need a thorough cleaning grows every day. Despite the mild panic, I know that my baby needs very little - some sleepers, diapers, milk and a warm body.

This little monkey I'm growing continues to kick me down below, and I know that her head rests close to my heart. While this conjures up a sweet image, I will be glad for the day she flips. At almost 31 weeks, we are wondering what's taking her so long. A visit to a chiropractor next week may help, and I'm starting to use some of the exercises and tips from this wonderful site.

For now, I can finally enjoy hot tea, stew and freshly baked bread, as the rain keeps the house cool and damp. The oven has come back to life!

Have a wonderful, wet weekend.

Recipe Week Post #3: Lentils, lentils and more lentils

Okay, okay, so I'm slightly obsessed with lentils - if you can't already tell from my first and second post this week. And I JUST discovered an organization called Canadian Lentils, which (although they're not very clear about their mandate on the website) I believe supports Canadian lentil growers.

But I realize not everyone is overly fond of the little bean. I'm married to one of those people *SOB* I remain convinced that I can convert the wayward lad, and bring him over to the land of plentiful little lentils.

Here's why I love lentils:

• I just can't get over how easy lentils are to cook - no soaking necessary! They take on the flavour of any sauce/soup you put them in, and can be ground down to make fantastic dips. They're also lovely in salads!

• A huge package of lentils will cost me $1.50, compared to the $10-15 (sometimes more!) I spend on a meal that includes chicken, pork or beef.

• They're packed with fibre and protein and all sorts of healthy vitamins/minerals. If you pair lentils with a grain or cheese, you end up with a complete protein, something which is really important if you're eating vegetarian while pregnant.

This is called Curried Red Lentil and Kale Soup, and was adapted from Living Without

2 tbsp veggie oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 small onion, diced
1 celery stalk, diced
1 large carrot, diced
2 medium potatoes, diced
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp curry powder
1 cup red lentils
1 cup chopped kale
4 cups veggie stock (I mixed 2 cups water, 2 cups veggie stock to cut down)
1/4 tsp ground coriander
1/8 tsp ground cumin
2 tsps lemon juice
1/4 cup coconut milk

In a large pot, heat oil over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook for several minutes. Add the celery, carrot and potato and cook for 5 minutes until tender.

Add the tomato paste and curry powder, and cook for 30 seconds while stirring. Add the red lentils, stock, coriander and cumin. Bring to a boil, and then reduce heat to medium low. Cover the pot and simmer for 10 minutes.

Add the kale and cook for another 5 minutes.

Garnish with lemon juice and coconut milk and enjoy! Serve with freshly baked whole grain bread or naan bread.

Recipe Week Post #2: When Two Tastes Collide

When I first met my husband, I thought he was an adventurous eater. He happily accompanied me to Indian and Thai restaurants, and suffered through my disastrous first attempts at cooking (anything other than boxed Mac & Cheese and chicken nuggets). We started dating soon after I was back from a trip to Thailand, and I was eager to expand my somewhat limited repertoire of teenage recipes (by the way, I STILL use my Clueless in the Kitchen cookbook on a regular basis. It's amazing for simple, go-to recipes).

However, I later discovered that my husband was, in fact, just trying to woo me, and really had little interest in the alternatives. He was raised on meat, potatoes and veggies, and his favourite meal is still barbecued chicken breast with some kind of sugar-laden sauce gooped all over it. Over the years, he has had to endure my commitment to buying only humanely-raised local meat, sourcing a cow for raw milk (and attempting to make my own cheese, yogurt and butter), and cooking with copious amounts of legumes. And he has been very supportive...truly.

It's tough, however, to spend a lot of time on recipes and meals that are not enjoyed by the whole family. Hubby eats my forays into vegetarianism and veganism to be polite, but darling daughter doesn't even bother.  While I'm moaning and oohing over the tasty things I throw together, husband is blandly picking away at his plate, and daughter is throwing hers at the wall.

It's been a REAL struggle trying to find recipes that please us all, and most of the time I just fail - I often end up making my own dish, and pairing it with a hunka meat (local, pasture-raised) that's been thrown on the bbq. However, there is one dish so far that's been a winner for the whole family. Every time I make this, we all gobble it up!

Warning: You must be open to eating lotsa butta if you want to try this recipe. I strongly feel that, unless you have dairy allergies, butter should be part of a well-rounded diet. It's silly to shun all saturated fats, especially in favour of chemically-laden margarines (ick!!). However, if you DO need an alternative, check out Earth Balance. They don't work as well in this dish, but it could certainly be a substitute!

Pasta with Red Lentils and Spinach
(taken from Didi Emmons Vegetarian Planet)

1 lb whole wheat pasta (or your fav gluten free variety)
8 tbsp of butter or butter alternative - don't even think about skimping here!!
2 garlic cloves, smooshed
2 inches of ginger, cut into thin strips (hubby detests big pieces of ginger, so I've sometimes resorted to using 1 tsp of dried ginger or pre-processed mashed ginger)
1/2 tsp dried sage
3/4 cup red lentils
1 cup water
3 cups spinach, packed
salt and pepper to taste (I personally find I need at least 1/2 tsp salt for this dish)

Cook pasta, and set aside. In large skillet, melt butter over medium heat, just until it begins to brown. Add ginger and garlic and cook until fragrant. Next, add sage, lentils, water and salt. Bring to a boil, and then lower the heat and simmer (covered) for 10 minutes or until lentils are just tender (they can still be slightly crunchy).  Stir in spinach and cook until wilted. Add pasta, and cook until heated through. Season with pepper and watch with pleasure as your family devours it.