I'm Really Sick of the French

Please don't be alarmed - I have nothing against French people (I'm talking about France-French here, not les Quebecois).

What I'm really tired of is people telling me that "the French do it best." Here's just a sampling of some books I've come across in the past few years:

French Women Don't Get Fat

Bringing Up Bebe: One Woman Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

French Kids Eat Everything

The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women

Everywhere I go, I'm hearing interviews and commentary from authors and blog writers that somehow, French women know best - they know how to dress better, eat better, lose weight faster, and even have better sex. Somehow, French kids are better behaved, are not picky eaters, and don't throw tantrums.

French women seem to be the authority on everything to do with life and parenting these days, and it's really starting to piss me off.

It's like the "African babies don't cry" myth. Or the "rice paddy birth."

Somewhere along the lines, North Americans have decided that we just don't do anything right. Apparently, millions of years of evolution have done nothing to help us learn how to birth babies and raise children. And we have to turn to other cultures to get a healthy dose of judgment and guilt.

Look, I have nothing wrong with getting advice from others. I think it's a great idea to do some personal exploration, and as Elizabeth Gilbert puts it "cherry pick" what works for you. I've read many parenting books, and always seem to find one or two helpful pieces of advice that I can put into practice (some with success, and some with dismal failures!)

But I have a real problem with the fact that mothers in Canada and the US seem to believe we are inherently flawed. I have a problem with the fact that mothers are ignoring their own instincts (and perhaps ignoring what their children are telling them), in order to follow some shoddy advice from authors who are basically just writing about their own opinions. All mothers are doing the very best they can, and although we certainly have cultural norms that we follow, I find it hard to believe that we can peg entire societies as being "better" than others at parenting.

These books are NOT fact, and they're NOT real life. Sure, maybe some French women do eat well, and maybe some French women do raise well-behaved children. But I'm certain this does not pertain to every person in the country. And if I wanted to start claiming something in defense of our culture, I'm sure I could write a book on things that I believe are problematic in French society.

But instead of mud slinging, I think I'll turn it over to you. Have you read these books? Do you buy into the belief that the French (or other cultures) do it better than we do?

The Real Problem with Pregnancy

The real problem with pregnancy is not the morning sickness. It's not the constant need to pee, or the lack of sleep that comes from sore hips.

The real problem with pregnancy is that you can't drink. This is a serious issue when you are living life with a crazy toddler.

In my past life, to ward off the blues and make myself a better Mom, I would drink one glass of wine with dinner. Suddenly, daughter's tantrums (or when she was a baby, crying) seemed easier to handle. Suddenly, I was "calm mom." Cool as a cucumber, baby.

Now, I must endure the endless tantrums SOBER. Unlike a cucumber, this is not cool.

I have to come up with different strategies to be a better mom. Like, I actually have to be a good parent, and read parenting books and listen to "experts." I have to practice methods, and deal with issues without the help of a wine haze.

This is tough.

Our first order of business has been to wear the child out as much as we can. The more time she has outdoors running off her steam, the better. Except apparently, this doesn't work as well as we thought - she tends to get hyperactive, and then refuses to go to bed, no matter how tired she is.

Our next step has been to make sure she's eating properly. Lots of healthy snacks. Except that we can't force feed her to eat, so sometimes she'll have low blood sugar tantrums, regardless of the snacks I'm providing.

So, on to the next strategy. Behold, my masterpiece:

This is designed to help make morning and evening routines more predictable, and hopefully ward off tantrums related to things she doesn't like to do (which is, apparently, everything). With each task accomplished, she gets to put cute magnets on the board. We tried it out tonight for the first time, and she loved it!

Except it's now 8:39pm and she still isn't asleep. She's gotten out of bed exactly 8 times...

So as I said...the real problem with pregnancy? No wine!!!

Co-Sleeping Crisis? Or Co-Sleeping Ignorance?

I just came across this article on Baby Centre, and it angered me. I realize that they're just trying to facilitate discussion, but it's these kind of biased articles that do more damage than good.

I've written about co-sleeping before. It's very clear that there are many benefits, and I won't re-list them here. You can read the old post!

What's so interesting to me about this story are the two cases of infant deaths that have occurred due to co-sleeping, and the Milwaukee Mayor's response to the deaths.

Both deaths occurred (from what I can glean from news facts!) due to unsafe co-sleeping conditions. The first being an older sibling who rolled on top of the baby, and the second being a mother who had too much alcohol in her system.

Right off the bat, my "safety" alarm bells ring! These were both unsafe co-sleeping environments, and it is devastating that two infants died because of this. But it doesn't mean that "if you love your baby, do not sleep with your baby." I love my child, and I still sleep with her.

The fact is, co-sleeping (or bed sharing) is SAFE, if DONE PROPERLY!

1) The only person who is perfectly in tune with baby is its mother. A mother is biologically designed NOT to roll on top of her baby. She is hyper-aware of their presence in the bed, and usually will wake to the first little noise or snuffle. Therefore, a newborn should never, ever be sleeping next to dad or any other sibling (or pets!!). The baby should be in between mom and either a wall, or a safe mesh railing.

2) The mattress should be nice and firm, with a fitted sheet. Mothers should avoid heavy blankets and too many pillows. Baby should be lying away from any pillows or blankets

3) Never, under any circumstances, should you co-sleep if you have been drinking (or taking drugs), or if either you or your partner smoke. Your mama spidey-senses will not be as alert.

[There are many more safety tips you can read in this book.]

The media campaign that the City of Milwaukee has put out is both terrifying and disgusting:

Seriously?? Come on, people. Do yourself a favour, and become educated in your choices! Don't allow sensationalized ads like these ones influence your parenting decisions.

According to our society, there are dangers lurking around every corner. We seem to feed off the scary, the dreadful, and the rare (but devastating) things that can happen to our children. In the end, we live in a constant state of anxiety, never allowing ourselves to do what's right for US.

And the bigger picture here is not a baby sleeping with a knife. It's a baby safely tucked in next to its mother, breastfeeding happily throughout the night.

Co-sleeping crisis? I think not! It's a crisis of the City of Milwaukee not providing parents with much-needed information about co-sleeping safety.

Pacifiers Suck or Pacifiers Rock?

I didn't really want to introduce a pacifier to A when she was a baby. At first, I thought it would destroy our breastfeeding relationship (yes, I'm a drama queen), and was following the guideline of waiting 4-6 weeks after birth to introduce an artifical nipple. But then I decided I just didn't want her to rely on some thing to soothe herself.

However, as the reflux she experienced became more severe, it was apparent that something needed to be done. A was never a thumb sucker, although I desperately wished she would develop the habit. I even tried guiding her thumb into her mouth, but she would cry and spit it out. Breastfeeding couldn't soothe her, because it made the reflux worse (especially at night).

And so, one day we reluctantly tried the soother (which she now calls her "suckie"), and magically, our daughter dozed off on her own! This was the first time anything like this had ever happened, without some seriously intense jiggling and rocking, and screams that sounded as though 10 people were being murdered at the same time.

Fast forward 2 years, and A adores her "suckie." We began restricting its use during her awake times, so she now knows she only gets it at naptime and bedtime. However, our daycare person has been successful in putting her down for naps without it, so we began wondering how to do the same. And we've been told by countless people that you must get rid of the pacifier around 2 years of age.

There is, of course, the cold turkey method, which many parents find helpful. Just take them all away, either by replacing them with a special "gift" or ceremoniously giving them away to another baby. We haven't tried this, but have been talking about doing it for many months. Our hesitation is this: A does not respond well to popular behavioural methods. She never has. All those stupid books that you read to help your baby sleep better, eat well, etc.? They never worked for A, and we always ended up just doing our own thing.

There is another method that has you cutting off the tip of the suckie, and allowing the child to use it if they want (children will discover it no longer works, and lose interest). We tried this method first, and not surprisingly, A just sucked away happily on her broken pacifier, all night long. Did I mention we have a strong willed child?

And then there is no method at all - you just let them continue to use it at night, and hope that they someday willingly give them up. Dentists would be pretty upset over this one, as supposedly they cause dental problems.

For the record, I sucked my thumb until I was 5. I seem to have survived, and I actually asked my Mom to stop on my own. I was getting embarassed about sucking my thumb at school, so she helped me find ways to remind myself to stop.

Like so many parenting debates today, this one has different "camps" (my mother is of the opinion that our generation overthinks everything to do with parenting, and I've come to see her point). So if you decide to allow your child to use their pacifier past the "deadline" of 2 years, you'll certainly have people wondering why you haven't enforced the rules and taken it away.

Those of you who read my blog know that I don't respond well to rules. I like to break them. So I'm finally following my mother's advice (everyone wave "hi" to my mom!) and I'm going to be relaxed about this one parenting decision. We won't be following the 2 year rule, but will take a "play-it-by-ear" approach. When A's ready, we'll know.