The High Needs Toddler

As first time parents, we're constantly questioning our skills, our judgement, and our ability to steer our child in the right direction. When A was a baby, I found myself consulting books and websites almost daily. I would type questions in Google, such as "why does my baby cry all day long" or "how do I get my baby to sleep longer than 45 minutes."

We thought we were just crappy parents. We couldn't understand why we were more tired, on edge and struggling more than our fellow new parents. We soon discovered it had nothing to do with our parenting abilities, and everything to do with the little person we had been blessed with. A was not only a high needs baby, but she also suffered from GERD, or gastroesophageal reflux disease. Medication and time were our saviours, and by one year of age, we felt we were finally exiting the fog of gloom we had been living in for so long. I've heard of parents of GERDlings opting for vasectomies after their experience, and I fully understand this decision.

Our little baby grew, and turned into an engaging and extremely verbal two year old. She speaks in full sentences, and says things like "Mommy and I had an argument, and I was so frustrated" (honestly!) We thought that when she was able to tell us precisely how she felt, that her tantrums and frustrations would subside.

Not so. Clearly, the books are not always correct. Having a child with good communication skills does not  equal a life of ease in the toddler world. Our high needs baby has grown up into a high needs toddler, and as of late, the household dynamic has not been good. There has been screaming (A), tantrums (A), yelling (Mommy) and more tantrums (Mommy).

And maybe I'm just making things sound worse than they are. As with all moms, I get to see the full spectrum of emotions from my child - when we're out (especially in the outdoors) she's a perfect little angel.

Being pregnant and sick has not helped the situation, and every morning that I'm working has turned into a battleground between myself and my daughter. Husband has started early mornings at the golf course, and misses most of the commotion.

Part of the problem seems to be A's "sensitivities"....to pretty much everything. She can't stand socks on her feet (she says they hurt, and the seam bothers her); any pants that are touching her feet are immediately taken off and thrown on the floor (and if they're tight in the waist, watch out!); brushing her hair is almost impossible given her curly knots; brushing teeth is a hit and miss; her coat bothers her when it pulls her sleeves up; and the car seat buckle is always too tight. And rather than just dealing with these issues by whining, A launches herself into full-blown tantrums over the smallest annoyance.

So far, my answer to the problem is three-fold:

1) Stay calm. Talk in a quiet voice. Reassure her that socks are not her enemy

2) Ignore the tantrums. This is hard when there are no rooms to lock myself away in my house.

3) Lose my cool, and begin yelling in return. Not a good strategy, I know.

The morning ends with me hauling a screaming A over my shoulder, no socks, no shoes, no coat, and hair not brushed. The neighbours must think we've lost it.

I need a change, because I have to deal with this by myself for at least 5 more months while husband works at the golf course. And starting my day in a terrible mood is not an option.

So far, my only solution has been to research products that might make dressing a little easier. Luvmum*** is a local Canadian business that carries brands of clothing for children with sensitivities. I plan on purchasing some seamless socks, and maybe some comfortable pants. As for the rest of the morning routine, I'm searching around for a fun/magnetic calendar we can use to teach A about the benefits of grooming :)

Any ideas for this tired mama?

***Luvmum is no longer operational. If you have any suggestions for other companies selling clothing for kids with sensitivities, leave a comment below!

Seeing the Light

I need to say this very quietly. And then I need to knock on wood, spin in a circle three times, and spit on the rug.

I think the nausea may be easing up.


Now certainly, I've just jinxed it. Tomorrow will be the day I spend hours with my head in the toilet.

But really, truly, I am starting to feel a bit better. And so far, not one Diclectin pill has passed my lips (I took Diclectin throughout my entire first pregnancy. I have nothing against it, and I know it's totally safe. But for some reason, I really wanted to tough it out this time. I felt like last time I relied on Diclectin for both placebo effect and perhaps some sedation - seriously, that shit knocked me out!)

Despite my regular morning vomit (which happens like clockwork), the rest of my days have felt better. Not so many food aversions, and I'm starting to eat a more balanced diet. Here's a sample of what my diet has looked like this past month:

Wake up - eat cheerios, vomit
Toast and peanut butter (possible vomit)
Bagel and cheese, or maybe some hard boiled eggs
Pizza
Ginger Ale
Burrito (maybe a vomit here)
2 popsicles
Crackers and more cheese

Not pleasant to look at, is it? Certainly not a diet that would sustain a healthy pregnancy. However, the past several days have looked more like this:

Wake up - vomit (forget the cheerios! Throwing up water is easier)
Toast and peanut butter
Gigantic smoothie with coconut milk, avocado, banana and frozen berries
Crackers and cheese
Mary's Organic burritos (stuffed with beans and veggies - I think they're healthy, so don't pop my bubble!)
Dried fruit and nuts
Pasta dish with veggies
Protein snack right before bed

THIS diet has led me to feel much better (duh). The late night snack seems to ward off the middle-of-the-night nausea, and I haven't woken up with a migraine in a little while (knock on wood, spin in a circle three times, spit on carpet). Another trick I'm learning is to never leave the house without food. About 1-2 hours after I've eaten, I need to snack on something else, in order to avoid the empty/sick feeling I get. Dried fruit, crackers and nuts have been piling up in my purse.

So tonight I am off to my first prenatal yoga class, hoping this turning of the tide brings with it more energy and a renewed sense of positivity. I can DO this...I can be pregnant AND happy!!

{Ottawa Doula} Don't Be a Martyr About It!

My last post on cesarean section rates here in Ottawa highlighted an issue that I had left out of the conversation. Someone commented that the epidural rate in most hospitals in Ottawa is 90% (it's actually more in some hospitals), which is indeed true.

I avoided making the link between epidurals and c-sections because, a) there is no conclusive evidence that epidurals increase the likelihood of cesarean section; and b) doulas provide non-judgemental support. Therefore, I have no opinion on epidurals. If my client needs one, I support her. If my client feels strongly that she doesn't want one, then I support her. Case closed.

However, I know it's not that easy. Women become doulas because they are inspired by birth, often in its most natural form. Either we have birthed naturally ourselves, or we have had a difficult birth experience that has led us to seek out alternatives. (And of course, there are wonderful doulas who have never given birth). Therefore, some doulas avoid clients who plan on getting an epidural. I respect the fact that doulas need boundaries too, and I think it's best to be upfront about what kind of doula you are.

I call myself the "middle-of-the-road" doula. I have experienced and seen natural births that have been magical, but I have also witnessed births with epidurals that have been just as special. I think that pain management (in the form of pharmaceuticals) has its place in modern care, and I know that certain labours require a woman to be able to rest and find relief.

That said, a rate of 90% is high. Really high. This would be all fine and dandy if epidurals were risk free, but they're not. They come with both short and long-term side effects, and some women are traumatized when their epidurals don't work like they should (imagine going through labour with only one side of your body frozen).

So what's convincing 90% of our population to try for pain free births? I like to call this the anti-martyrdom syndrome.


A martyr (in the non-religious context) is someone who undergoes severe or constant suffering. Another definition is someone who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain.


When I was pregnant with my first child and decided to try for a natural birth, I quickly realized that the majority of people I met would not be supportive of this decision. The most typical response I got was "oh, just you wait. You'll be begging for the drugs." I never once had a woman (or man) say "way to go," or "it's easy, you can do it!" (actually, scratch that. My boss at the time was the only one who gave me a positive story of her own natural birth).

And what I heard (and still hear) most often from women was that they didn't want to be a martyr about it. Meaning, they didn't want to purposefully suffer just to birth their babies.

In short, childbirth = suffering. It's been that way for a long time, and although a small contingent of brave women have tried convincing us otherwise, 90% of us still believe it.

Our hospitals make it well known that epidurals are the "better way to go." Doctors, OBs and nurses are not trained to support women through natural childbirth, so obviously, they're much more comfortable with women who get the drugs. Our whole society and health care environment is screaming to women don't be a martyr about it!!!

And if you want to bring a feminist argument into the mix, hasn't it always been this way? From the first time we start to bleed, we're immediately pegged as martyrs - people who seek sympathy or attention by exaggerating pain. God forbid we should complain about menstrual cramps or heavy bleeding, and the women who miss work due to monthly migraines are just slacking off. Any emotional response we may have to an issue is immediately written off as "PMS-ing."

Let's also compare this situation to the world of long-distance running, extreme sports, or those who scale Mount Everest. Clearly, many of these people are suffering - the throngs of runners collapsing into unconsciousness at the end of a marathon makes me shake my head and laugh. It's amazing to me that they'll put their bodies through hell just to achieve a rush of adrenaline. And yet these same people (both men and women) are intent on avoiding the pain of childbirth, despite the fact that natural childbirth offers the same rush of adrenaline and ultimate joy. I wonder what would happen if I began telling all those people who do marathons or extreme sports, "Hey! Pull up a bag of potato chips and plunk yourself down on that couch! Don't be a martyr about it!"

In an ideal world, the majority of women in childbirth would not be suffering. As I've stated above, there are instances where suffering becomes apparent, and relief in the form of pharmaceuticals is not only needed, but welcomed! However, when women are given proper support, and a calm and caring environment in which to birth you would be amazed at what we can do.

But we're not living in an ideal world. These days, women don't have proper support, don't have a calm and caring environment in which to birth, and go into labour with an inherent belief that childbirth is a form of slow and terrible torture. The epitome of suffering. It's only a small percentage of women that are asking for more - hiring midwives and doulas, and choosing a place of birth that supports a model of women-centered care. These are women who are surrounded by other women (and men!) letting them know that childbirth is not frightening, is not suffering, and heck - might not even be painful!

So frankly, I don't blame any woman for wanting an epidural - put in the same situation 90% of us find ourselves today, I wouldn't want to be a martyr about it either!

{Ottawa Doula} Hospital Cesarean Rates

Hospitals are required to disclose their cesarean section rates, but the information is hard to come by without a lot of searching. Most women are admitted to hospital without any prior knowledge of their c-section risk, and will often be surprised when the birth ends up in the operating room.

Each hospital in Canada has a different cesarean section rate because policies and procedures differ from institution to institution. These are policies related to how women are "allowed" to labour and give birth. Things like timing of induction (how long you can go past your due date), electronic fetal heart rate monitoring (EFM), use of Pitocin and IV fluids, and length of pushing time are all regulated by hospital protocol.

Recently, we've seen a number of stories in the media sounding the alarm bell on the rising c-section rates in our Canadian cities. I came across this handy website today, and thought it would be interesting to share the c-section rates at various hospitals here in Ottawa.

Montfort Hospital: 25.8%

The Ottawa Hospital: 29.17%

Queensway Carleton Hospital: 33.18%

Almonte General Hospital: 25.91% 


Winchester District Memorial Hospital: 21.63%


The website also publishes each hospital's VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) rate. Scraping the bottom of the barrel is the Queensway-Carleton Hospital, at a dismal 7.63%

Does this mean that women in Ottawa who want to avoid a cesarean section should plan to give birth where their chance of c-section is lowest? This, of course, is a personal choice, but I believe a wiser strategy would start with demanding more evidence-based care from our hospitals. In my opinion, policies and procedures are governed first by consumer demand, and second by evidence-based information (which is ridiculous, I know). The more you are complacent about what is being done to you, the more you pave the way for other women to have the same done to them. [and of course, some c-sections are necessary and medically indicated. Clearly this conversation does not apply to those women, although they still have a right to respectful and informed care]

So if you're under the care of a doctor or OB at one of these Ottawa hospitals, and you hope to avoid a c-section, what should you be asking about?

1) How will you monitor my baby's heart rate? (there is no evidence showing that continuous EFM is beneficial, and there is an increased risk of cesarean section when it is used)

2) If I go post-dates, when will I be induced? (Most OBs are following the 40+10 rule - when you are 41 weeks and 3 days, you will be induced. Again, there is evidence showing that healthy, low-risk pregnancies can extend to 42 weeks without increased risk to mom or baby)

3) When do you feel the need to use Pitocin during labour? What are my other options if you feel that my labour has stalled? (psssst...hire a doula. They have some neat tricks for getting labour to progress!)

4) Do you use routine IV fluids during labour, or can I eat and drink whenever I want?

5) If my baby is doing well, will I be able to push past the allotted time given for second stage?

Also keep in mind that the whole team of OBs needs to be on board with the terms/conditions you have in place. If you decide you absolutely do not want to be induced at 40+10 days, then you will need to be prepared to meet with resistance if your OB of choice is not on call around that time.

Pregnancy shouldn't be a time that women need to do battle to get the care they want. But as you can see above, the reality is, 1 in 4 women will have a c-section in Ottawa (and sometimes that number reaches close to 1 in 3). So it's up to you and your partner to fight for the care you need - doctors are often prepared to listen, but it's our responsibility to make sure we're heard.

And of course, you've heard the same old from me time and time again....hire a doula and that percentage goes down...blah blah blah....get a midwife and that percentage goes down...blah blah blah....have a home birth if you're healthy and comfortable with the idea...blah blah blah.

You get the picture!

What do you think? Are my local Ottawans surprised by these rates?

Bloom: A Review

Disclaimer: I'm not a book reviewer. I don't do this as a profession. There are many more talented people out there who review books. However, I read books - tons of them. I don't know how many books I've read in my lifetime, but it could be close to 10,000 (that's probably an exaggeration) So I have a fairly strong sense of what good writing looks like. And although I can't always agree that a book is "captivating" (just because it's a classic, for instance), I can certainly come to appreciate another reader's opinion. So if you've read Bloom, feel free to debate with me.

The lowly blogger's ultimate dream - a post goes viral, sponsors flock to your site, and publishers are pounding on your door, asking for a "tell all" memoir. It's happened a number of times (think Julie and Julia), and it will happen again.

And so it happened to Kelle Hampton, who wrote a heart wrenching blog post about her daughter's birth (when it was discovered she had Down Syndrome), and watched as the world shared the link, and then shared it some more.

Fast forward a couple of years, and the memoir is now on bookshelves. Bloom tells the story of Nella Cordelia's birth, and the family's realization that little Nella has an extra special chromosome. Interspersed in the present day story are short anecdotes from Kelle's own childhood (a bit of a dysfunctional family life, with a scandalous divorce in a tight-knit church community) and her life pre-children.

So...what's to like about this book? First off, it's gorgeous. The paper is coffee table quality, and about half the space is dedicated to Kelle's bright and airy photographs (who doesn't love photographs of the Floridian landscape? Is Floridian a word?). And if you're an avid reader of Kelle's blog, you'll be hit with her familiar style of writing. Her editors have clearly done a great job in keeping her "brand" in check.

Kelle provides just enough information to the reader to satisfy our curiosity, without over sharing. The book offers a very brief glimpse into her family life, her past and what she is working through at the present. But if you're looking for mud slinging or shocking stories, you won't find any. Just as Kelle's blog offers on a daily basis, this book is a tale of triumph - oh, and joy. Plenty of joy.

What's not to like about the book? Here's where my inner book critic eagerly jumps into the foray.

Her writing is somewhat repetitive. There are definitely chapters (or paragraphs) that involve family dialogue and stories, and these are the more interesting bits. The rest follows Kelle's style of grand similes and hyperbole, with quotations from the masters of poetry (e.g. Mary Oliver) thrown in here and there. Oh, and crying. Lots and lots of crying. She is clearly a creative, artistic and emotional individual, but it did grate on the nerves once or twice that the crying had to be described again.


And here's the other thing - if you're a parent of a child with special needs, this book (and probably Kelle's blog), might not be to your taste. Most likely, your days are not spent combing the beach for shells, and you may have a hard time summoning the "rah rah rah" attitude that Kelle imbibes. I can't imagine what a special needs parent goes through, but I know if my own life with a completely healthy child is any indication, I might maintain Kelle's optimism about 25% of the time. I'm British, what can I say. We love to whine and complain.

Despite some criticism, I liked this book, and I'll continue to read the blog. I look up to people with uncontrolled enthusiasm for life. I've always been attracted to positive women, and they represent to me the person I hope I may one day become (in another life of course...I'm still British in this life). When my house is a wreck and my child is screaming, looking at Kelle's blog doesn't make me jealous or sad. It just fills me with joy, and brings back memories of all the wonderful vacations my family spent together in Florida.

If nothing else, Bloom is the ultimate in self help. It's cozy, breezy, and warm, just like a Florida sunset. So grab your Pina Colada and enjoy. If it's not worth the $25 (in hardcover), it's certainly worth a trip to the library.

You've Got Mail!

It's been a bad day. Another migraine, dizziness, and nausea. You know, the usual. I'm trying to remain upbeat about it all, but I asked Tom last night,

"How many more months of this do I have?"


On good days I celebrate my changing body. I take the dog on long walks through our backyard ravine. I eat salad for lunch, and I do some yoga stretches.

But on bad days, nothing much helps, and I find myself lying on the couch staring at the wall.

Which is exactly what I was doing today when the UPS truck rolled up to a stop in front of my house, and deposited into my mailbox my pre-ordered copy of Bloom, by Kelle Hampton.

Excited? Oh yes, I'm excited!

I've written about Kelle's blog before, and although I know she receives a lot of criticism (on average, I receive 20 hits per day from people googling "kelle hampton hate" or "kelle hampton annoying"), I just can't help loving her blog. I know nothing about her personal life, or whether she's a "good" person, and frankly, I don't care.

What I know is that her writing inspires me. Her blog posts lift me up when I need to be lifted up. And her photography is truly stunning.

So after my bad day, I anticipate an evening curled up on the couch, savouring the first glossy pages of Bloom.

Why I Won't Be Doing Prenatal Screening

Image Source

In Ontario (and most of the developed world), pregnant women are offered something called Prenatal Screening. The screening usually involves both blood work and ultrasound, and is done at around 11 weeks.

In my first pregnancy, prenatal screening wasn't really offered as a choice to me. I began my pregnancy under the care of my family doctor, as I was still on the waiting list to get a midwife. Midwives practice something called informed choice - you are given all the relevant information about specific tests/procedures, and then it's up to you to make the final decision.

Most doctors, however, do not practice informed choice, and instead tend to offer up tests/procedures as the "normal" thing to do. There's a whole body of evidence out there which shows that most clinicians are not successful at involving their patients in making health care decisions.

So when prenatal screening comes up in pregnancy, it's not so much a choice, as it is "the thing to do." And so I did!

If women understand the consequences of the screening, and have a good grasp on what they would do with the information, then there is no problem. But when women are unsure, or consent to procedures without really understanding what's going to happen, then it is a problem.

Screening tests for three things - Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Open Neural Tube Defects. You will be told your chance of having a baby with these conditions (e.g. 1 in 250), and if your chance is higher than expected, you have a positive result. This does not necessarily mean your baby has one of these conditions, but it does mean you're offered further diagnostic testing (usually in the form of amniocentesis, which carries its own risks). If an accurate diagnosis is made through amnio, then you have three options:

1) Prepare yourself for life with a child who has disabilities, or a child who will die shortly after birth (depending on the severity of the condition)

2) Plan to give your child up for adoption if you feel you cannot handle caring for a child with disabilities

3) Abort your pregnancy

Clearly, none of these options are what any parent wants to go through. We all want to have a healthy child. But once you choose to undergo prenatal screening, you must be able to think ahead and imagine what you might do with the information you are given. If you get a positive result, will you go for amniocentesis (despite its small risk of miscarriage)? If you get a diagnosis, which option will you choose?

Testing for these conditions also raises a number of ethical issues, and potentially better screening tools soon to come on the market may have parents choosing to abort before they've had a glimpse of their baby via ultrasound or through movements felt - before any kind of bonding has occurred. Some experts suggest that the abortion rate for parents who discover their baby has Down Syndrome could be as high as 90%. Parents of children with Down Syndrome are concerned over this fact, as clearly, children with Down Syndrome are just as loved/special/amazing as children without the extra chromosome. As genetic testing becomes more advanced and available, you have to wonder where this will take us? How far is too far?

The 90% abortion rate definitely scares me. As a second time parent, I have firsthand experience loving a child. I bonded with my baby immediately upon discovering I was pregnant this time around. But as a first-time mom, I remember the baby in my belly being kind of abstract. Bonding didn't happen until later (and probably even later than it happens between most other mothers and babies). If the test had discovered one of the three conditions, would I have considered abortion and gone on to have major regrets? Part of me thinks "no," that I would have just prepared myself for life with a child with disabilities, but I wonder if other mothers out there have regretted the hasty decision.

So this time around, we have opted not to do prenatal screening. If I received the diagnosis during pregnancy, I don't think the information would be good for my well being. I'm a worrier, and my anxiety would probably rise to unmanageable levels. Plus, I'm a kinesthetic learner - I learn by doing and experiencing, not by reading books or observing other people's experiences. So life with a child with disabilities would be a shock, but I would need to learn as I went along.

Plus, as my midwife put it, "if you're a woman who believes in letting nature take its course, then prenatal screening is probably not the right choice for you." And that's exactly who I am - I believe that all things happen for a reason, and I would be willing to go down a difficult path if I needed to. Even one where I might have to say goodbye to my baby shortly after birth.

What is your experience with prenatal screening?