I'm Really Sick of the French

Please don't be alarmed - I have nothing against French people (I'm talking about France-French here, not les Quebecois).

What I'm really tired of is people telling me that "the French do it best." Here's just a sampling of some books I've come across in the past few years:

French Women Don't Get Fat

Bringing Up Bebe: One Woman Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

French Kids Eat Everything

The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women

Everywhere I go, I'm hearing interviews and commentary from authors and blog writers that somehow, French women know best - they know how to dress better, eat better, lose weight faster, and even have better sex. Somehow, French kids are better behaved, are not picky eaters, and don't throw tantrums.

French women seem to be the authority on everything to do with life and parenting these days, and it's really starting to piss me off.

It's like the "African babies don't cry" myth. Or the "rice paddy birth."

Somewhere along the lines, North Americans have decided that we just don't do anything right. Apparently, millions of years of evolution have done nothing to help us learn how to birth babies and raise children. And we have to turn to other cultures to get a healthy dose of judgment and guilt.

Look, I have nothing wrong with getting advice from others. I think it's a great idea to do some personal exploration, and as Elizabeth Gilbert puts it "cherry pick" what works for you. I've read many parenting books, and always seem to find one or two helpful pieces of advice that I can put into practice (some with success, and some with dismal failures!)

But I have a real problem with the fact that mothers in Canada and the US seem to believe we are inherently flawed. I have a problem with the fact that mothers are ignoring their own instincts (and perhaps ignoring what their children are telling them), in order to follow some shoddy advice from authors who are basically just writing about their own opinions. All mothers are doing the very best they can, and although we certainly have cultural norms that we follow, I find it hard to believe that we can peg entire societies as being "better" than others at parenting.

These books are NOT fact, and they're NOT real life. Sure, maybe some French women do eat well, and maybe some French women do raise well-behaved children. But I'm certain this does not pertain to every person in the country. And if I wanted to start claiming something in defense of our culture, I'm sure I could write a book on things that I believe are problematic in French society.

But instead of mud slinging, I think I'll turn it over to you. Have you read these books? Do you buy into the belief that the French (or other cultures) do it better than we do?

The Real Problem with Pregnancy

The real problem with pregnancy is not the morning sickness. It's not the constant need to pee, or the lack of sleep that comes from sore hips.

The real problem with pregnancy is that you can't drink. This is a serious issue when you are living life with a crazy toddler.

In my past life, to ward off the blues and make myself a better Mom, I would drink one glass of wine with dinner. Suddenly, daughter's tantrums (or when she was a baby, crying) seemed easier to handle. Suddenly, I was "calm mom." Cool as a cucumber, baby.

Now, I must endure the endless tantrums SOBER. Unlike a cucumber, this is not cool.

I have to come up with different strategies to be a better mom. Like, I actually have to be a good parent, and read parenting books and listen to "experts." I have to practice methods, and deal with issues without the help of a wine haze.

This is tough.

Our first order of business has been to wear the child out as much as we can. The more time she has outdoors running off her steam, the better. Except apparently, this doesn't work as well as we thought - she tends to get hyperactive, and then refuses to go to bed, no matter how tired she is.

Our next step has been to make sure she's eating properly. Lots of healthy snacks. Except that we can't force feed her to eat, so sometimes she'll have low blood sugar tantrums, regardless of the snacks I'm providing.

So, on to the next strategy. Behold, my masterpiece:

This is designed to help make morning and evening routines more predictable, and hopefully ward off tantrums related to things she doesn't like to do (which is, apparently, everything). With each task accomplished, she gets to put cute magnets on the board. We tried it out tonight for the first time, and she loved it!

Except it's now 8:39pm and she still isn't asleep. She's gotten out of bed exactly 8 times...

So as I said...the real problem with pregnancy? No wine!!!

Saving the Mayfair Theatre...and my sanity

Confession: I went to school for environmental studies. Even got my masters degree!

I wouldn't call it a waste. In my undergrad, I focused my thesis on elderly women's fear of crime in urban space. For my master's I studied the Girl Guides of Canada, and how their curriculum promotes environmental citizenship among young girls and women.

And here I am....working with women! Although I'm not writing environmental policy or advocating on behalf of a non-profit, I feel like my heart is in the right place. I still believe that our environmental issues are paramount, but getting an education in the field was discouraging - it felt like my efforts were just a drop  in the bucket. At least as a doula, I see positive change with each birth I attend. I feel as though my efforts in education and advocacy are paying off. And I can continue to care about environmental issues, without having to dedicate myself 40 hrs per week to the cause.

In my mid-twenties, I pictured myself always living in the urban core - renting a small apartment and being able to walk/bike to work. I imagined I would take part in a community garden, and keep worm composters on my balcony (which I actually did do!) I shunned suburbs - they were for lazy commuters who drove gas guzzling SUVs (my apologies friends - I don't think that anymore).

But kids change, well, everything. It's not that I worry about space - I would be perfectly happy raising my children in a smaller, older home, if it meant being close to all the amenities. It's just financially not possible. My husband and I are not making enough money to sustain a mortgage downtown. We could have continued to rent, but our unease about not having a place to call our own led us to begin looking for a home we could afford. And the only place we could afford was in the suburbs.

So two years later, here we are. We live in an older home built in the 1960s, and our backyard looks out onto a school and adjescent ravine. We take long hikes in our ravine, pointing out woodpeckers, owls and evidence of beavers. Our gardens grow a ton of vegetables in the summer. I love the songbirds that visit my trees every morning, and I relish the silence in the evenings. Now if I could only legally raise some chickens in my backyard, I would be in heaven!

But what I don't like?

• Lack of a decent coffee shop. No offense Starbucks, but I like supporting small businesses. And so far, no decent coffee shops are to be found in Orleans, Ontario.
• Few family-run or independent food establishments. I really do NOT enjoy big box restaurants. I'll eat there on occasion, but I don't want to eat something that I can find in every other suburb in Canada.
• Little walkability - yes, it's true what they say. You DO drive more in the suburbs. Although I have made an effort to commute to work by bus, my morning sickness has forced me back into my car.
• Lack of culture (live music, theatre, the arts)

Which brings me to the main point of this post. We recently found out we may be losing our first independent theatre, which only opened less than a year ago. The Mayfair Theatre is a locally-run establishment that moved into space once occupied by Cineplex Odeon. Unfortunately, dismal ticket sales may force it to close its doors.

Strong supporters of the community of Orleans will argue that I'm missing some important points - say, for instance, The Shenkman Arts Centre? And I'll agree - we have made great strides in building the arts in this community. But clearly it's not enough, when a local theatre (which runs many good-quality, independent films) can't even keep its doors open for one year.

I don't believe it's for lack of interest. I know for a fact that many of my friends out here were very happy when the Mayfair announced its arrival. And I know we're all busy with babies, kids, dogs, mortgages and home repairs...

But why should we care any less than folks living in Westboro or the Glebe? What makes a community is the desire of its citizens to lead better, and more sustainable lives. And unfortunately, sustainability does not have its home in the WalMart or Empire Theatres or Home Sense living along the big box that calls itself Innes Road.

So could everyone do me a favour? Save my sanity - help me realize my dream of owning a home AND having access to all the things that make a community so wonderful. A place to meet and chat with friends/neighbours, businesses that are close enough to go by foot, food that does not come in industrial packages, and films that don't have "American Pie" in the title.

If you live in Orleans, visit the Mayfair Theatre this weekend! You'll see me there on Saturday night, checking out the eco-drama The Hunter.

Pregnancy: 17 Weeks

I am now 17 weeks pregnant, which I'm trying to wrap my head around. The first 12 weeks seemed to drag on and on, as I dealt with nausea/vomiting, exhaustion, and horrible headaches.

But all of a sudden, time seems to be picking up speed, and I can't believe I'll soon be going to my first (and hopefully only) ultrasound this pregnancy! Despite my misgivings about ultrasound technology, it's amazing how much I'm looking forward to "seeing" inside. I know I'm supposed to be trusting my body, but there's always a niggling little worry in the back of my mind that something might be wrong.

I know a lot of pregnant bloggers who do a weekly pregnancy post, with regular updates on cravings, belly size and weight, but that's not really my thing. I haven't even taken a belly shot yet! (it's there, although small. Same as last time!) However, it's always fun to chat about certain pregnancy-related decisions and milestones, so here's a little update:

Sex?
Yes, we will be finding out the sex of the baby this time around. I really wanted it to be a surprise again, but frankly, I'm just too excited to know whether I can, a) use all the baby clothes we already have; or b) get rid of most of the baby clothes we have, and start soliciting donations for "boys" clothes. As interesting as the whole gender-neutral debate has been recently, I'm still not willing to dress a little boy in bright pink sleepers. Why? Because frankly, I just don't like pink very much!! And we seem to have ended up with A LOT of pink being given/donated to us.

Movement?
Yep, feeling a lot of kicks and bumps. Last time I didn't feel a thing until around 21-22 weeks, so it's surprising to feel movement this time. I think in my first pregnancy, I was confusing kicks with gas. I also had an anterior placenta last time, which provided added cushioning in the front and may have prevented me from feeling a lot - no idea where my placenta is this time!

Doula work?
Still attending births! The universe seems to have blessed me with short, daytime births lately, so I'm expecting to be hit over the head by a few marathoners soon. I'm waiting on one mama/baby right now, and then won't see my next client until late June/early July. Beginning in August, I will be providing some backup for one week, but have no further primary clients.

Other pregnant doulas can probably attest to the fact that doula work is certainly harder when carrying a baby. There is nausea, but also a lot of extreme tiredness and lack of energy. It's been a challenge, but not impossible! Having great backups in place is key, as I feel confident I could call someone in my place if need be. And so far, all my clients have been very supportive and understanding - given the fact that I munch away on snacks pretty much every hour, this has been great.

Renos?
Yes, we will be working on a nursery, but I have no great expectations that this little babe will sleep in there. After our experience with A, I'm fully prepared to bed-share again if need be. But if this baby decides to be a decent sleeper, then at least the room and crib will be available. This is going to involve moving A into another room (the colder room in the house, as she's always been a hot kid!), and moving our office into the basement downstairs. I'm sad to be losing a proper office space, but we're not willing to give up our guest bedroom, as we have family and friends visiting quite often.

Exercise and Overall Wellness?
Given that I'm finally feeling better, I'm getting back into a regular exercise routine. It's not much, but I'm aiming to get regular walks in almost every day of the week. Some of these are longer hikes in the ravine behind our house, but often I'm just getting out of the office at lunch time and hoofing it around the hospital. Walking the perimeter of the General Hospital takes about 25 minutes! I'm also participating in some great prenatal yoga classes once per week.

Goals? Hopes? Dreams?
In an ideal world, I'd love to be adding some additional yoga practice into my week, as well as some occasional weight bearing exercises. So far, I'm happy with just getting my walking and one-day yoga class completed, but maybe I will find the motivation to improve.

My big focus now is on better nutrition. The first 3 months were a write-off, as my main diet consisted of cheese, crackers and cereal (oh, and occasional fried foods). But now I'm adding in greens, lots of legumes and fruit. I'm still eating quite a lot of meat (for me), but I'm trusting my body that this is what I need right now. I would love to have a vegetarian pregnancy, but know that this is not realistic for me.

So far, the pregnancy seems to be chugging along well, and I look forward to sharing some ultrasound pics on here in a couple of weeks!

Happy Monday!

Musical Musings

It's been so long since I've posted anything music-related. I miss some of my older posts, where I used to talk about music and lyrics, and the joy that a song can bring to my life. But alas, life has shifted so much in recent years, and this blog has moved along with these changes.

Music seems to be less of a presence in my life, but it is never far from my heart. Although I have not picked up my guitar in months, or dusted the springy keys of my piano, I continue to seek solace in songs and lyrics, and continue to be inspired by so many brave musicians out there. I know that my instruments will wait patiently for me, for the day when I am no longer running from one activity to the next - daycare, toddler activities, work, yoga, prenatal appointments, births and postpartum visits.

Where I used to write songs in my head all day long, I now write blog posts. The creative mind knows no limits and follows no specific path, and my words seem to have morphed from melodies into...what? Manifestos? Rants? Occasionally helpful commentaries? Whatever it is I'm doing, people are reading and listening, commenting and following, and I'm amazed that my little blog now attracts 600 unique visitors each month, and 2500 pageviews. No, this is not The Feminist Breeder or PhD in Parenting, but I'm proud of what I've achieved, and look forward to the future. What will my blog look like in two years? Five years?

Despite all the fun I'm having, it's nice to get back to the beginning, and back to basics sometimes. So I'm happy to share some of the music I've been listening to lately....hope you enjoy! (tip: there's a little volume button at the bottom of each video..turn it up!)

The percussion in this song is very marching-band worthy...just try not to tap your foot!!

Good with a warm cup of tea, on a rainy day...

The Swedes have got it goin' on...

What's been on your player lately?

Don't mess with women...especially women who blog

I know how pregnant women are…

Now you just need to calm down, miss/ma’am.

What, are you PMSing or something?

How many more degrading comments like these have you heard from men, and even other women? My guess is that there are thousands – thousands of ways to reduce a woman to some ancient definition of “femaleness” that insane male philosophers/writers/doctors have pulled out of their ass in past centuries.

Hysterical, unstable, irrational, emotional….let me count the ways.

And news flash to those of you who don’t believe me that we’re still fighting this form of oppression – when push comes to shove, women are still be shoved into these boxes.

The Twitter world was abuzz today when one of our fellow bloggers posted these tweets on her feed:

Omg. Shaking I’m so angry. Was woken up by an MD who told me basically I’m an idiot taking up an expensive hospital bed and need to go home.

I can’t believe they want to send me home like this. Or they can’t fathom why we want to try. And have to continually tell me.

The MD just told DH, “I know how pregnant ladies are. I don’t know who told her those babies will make it.” I WANT TO KILL HIM.

Still arguing. About our beliefs now. Perfect. Let’s mock our religious choices and call me hysterical.

Diana Stone, author of the blog Hormonal Imbalances and blogger at Babble Pregnancy, was basically in the fight of her life – not to save her own life, but the lives of her twin boys. At 18.5 weeks, Diana’s water broke, and doctors recommended an induction – her babies would die if this were the case.

Despite a risk of infection, Diana and her husband opted to hold on, hoping that the amniotic sack may repair itself (entirely possible), or that they would make it to 23-24 weeks, the date at which most babies are deemed “viable.”

Only, as you can see from the above, Diana was met with an unsupportive hospital staff, who not only disagreed with her choice of action, but pegged her as a hysterical pregnant woman who was wasting hospital bed space.

Diana’s story was retweeted, and then retweeted again, and soon supporters were phoning the hospital on her behalf. Babble grabbed hold of the story and wrote a post about Diana’s fight. Since this fire storm, Diana has been allowed to stay in the hospital and doctors have agreed to continue to monitor her for infection. She has been overwhelmed by the support she’s received, which has come mostly from women she’s never even met – fellow bloggers, facebook followers and Twitterites.

Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time on social media – I wonder what benefit I’m receiving from the time I take to blog, read and tweet.

Now I know. I know that in any crisis where I needed support from a community, it would be heard and received. No, this isn’t the traditional community we’ve known in past years – I don’t have neighbours down the road willing to jump in and take over for me at a moment’s notice. And I don’t often walk across the street to ask to borrow a cup of sugar.

And although I feel some sadness at this loss of “close” community, I marvel at how I’ve found what I need through a different kind of community – virtual, but still steadfast in its strength, power and love.

I want to continue working towards a world where women do have neighbours they can rely on, with shared parenting, resources and emotional support at our finger tips. But this kind of system has been broken for so long that it’s going to take a long time to repair. And until that time, I need my “fix.” I need to be able to reach out, even if it’s through my Blackberry, and not by feet or by phone.

So until I can figure out a life where my community is working for me, I’ll be working to build my own community – through the amazing, incredible and strong women I’ve met as a blogger and small business owner.

Diana’s story has taught me a lot. We still have a long ways to go in building a healthy, compassionate maternity care system (both here and in the US). Women are still being mistreated and bullied, mostly by men who inherently believe that we are somehow flawed in our ways.

Hysterical? Irrational? No, no….far from it. Who else could organize themselves in a matter of hours, and have a hospital backtracking and quaking in their boots? By the swiftness of our thumbs, and the wit of our words, we can make a difference.

Maybe it’s true what they say….mamas can change the world.

GERD

I talk a lot about my daughter having had GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease), but I've never done a post explaining what this term is all about.

Simply put, reflux is when our stomach contents backwash into our esophagus. This happens to many people, child or adult, and can either be symptom-free or associated with a host of problems (pain, burning, breathing difficulties, weight loss etc) Reflux becomes a disease when the episodes cause some sort of problem or condition.

Most babies have reflux, given that their digestive system is still developing. Spit-up can be occasional, or quite frequent. Parents of children who frequently spit-up know that it's an inconvenience and can result in a lot of laundry! But beyond this, the lives of the child and/or parents are not negatively affected.

Reflux can become an illness or condition when it is excessive, and linked to some symptoms. It becomes a disease when the symptoms are severe, and sometimes in very young children, life-threatening.

No one can really say whether my daughter had an "illness" or "disease," but labeling it GERD just helped me to put things into context. Suffice it to say, our lives were thrown for a loop for many months, as we struggled to figure out what was wrong with our little baby.

The symptoms of GERD vary from baby to baby, so I can only speak from personal experience. Before we got a true diagnosis (although it was still a bit of a guessing game), some of the things we noticed were:

• Constant crying, especially after breastfeeding and at night
• Fussiness at the breast
• Coughing or choking when lying on her back
• Excessive spit-up 
• Inability to sleep, unless in an upright position

These symptoms began slowly, and we started noticing them around 3 weeks of age. At first we assumed we just had a colicky baby, but everything came to a head around 4 months of age (when colic has normally already disappeared). 

We made several trips to our family doctor, who at first, just waved it off as colic or "normal" baby behaviour. However, most people who spent the night with us knew that A was not "normal." The crying was intense and high-pitched, and I instinctively knew that she was in pain.

After my own Googling and searching around, I began to suspect that A was suffering from a mild form of GERD. She was still gaining weight (phew), but we could no longer cope with the crying and night-waking (which occurred every 30-45min). Once I became more specific in describing the symptoms A seemed to be experiencing, my doctor agreed with my suspicions. She prescribed Ranitidine (Zantac), a strong medication used by adults to help with the painful symptoms of reflux.

Immediately after the first dose, we suddenly had a smiling and giggling 4 month old on our hands. The transformation was a 180, and we knew for certain that she had been in a lot of pain.

Unfortunately, the medications used for reflux are not long-lasting, and come with a host of side effects. The Ranitidine worked on occasion, but A's body seemed to get used to it after a while, and it no longer had any effect. As well, it caused rashes, dry skin and constipation. After a trip to CHEO and a visit with a pediatrician, we switched to an even stronger medication (Prevacid). I was extremely nervous using this medication, as it had not been approved for use in infants. We continued to use it occasionally when things were really bad, but again, the side effects seemed worse that just dealing with the symptoms, so we eventually stopped.

Around 8 months of age, we did begin to see some improvement, and by 1 year, the reflux was gone (at least visibly). A continued to have digestive problems for another 6 months or so, until finally, we were able to say we were GERD-free.

The toll that this took on our family life was significant, and for a long time, we didn't want to have any more children, for fear that we would breed another GERD-ling. However, here we are again, praying that this little girl/guy may be blessed with a stronger digestive system. We feel confident that if this happened again, we at least have the tools and knowledge to deal with it. 

To help other parents out there who are struggling with this problem, here are some tips and other pieces of information I learned along the way:

1) If you suspect something is wrong with your child (even if it's just colic), keep a very detailed record of symptoms. Record exactly when crying starts and stops, and whether it's associated with feeds or not. Also mark down any other things you notice to be "off." This can be very useful for family doctors, who otherwise might discount things as run-of-the-mill.

2) Seek help and support. I found this forum to be really helpful, and purchased this book to read. I also poured over all of Dr. Sears' books, especially the one on "fussy babies." You may also need extra help around the house from in-laws, friends or even hired help.

3) Cry-it-out techniques and sleep training do not work for babies with reflux, and your child's pain should never be ignored. If you feel in danger of harming your baby because of excessive crying, lay her down in her crib, leave the room and call for some help. Scream, yell, kick things - do whatever you need to do to get your frustration out. Just don't take it out on your baby.

4) Some babies with reflux disease sleep fine. The majority do not, because lying on one's back can exacerbate the symptoms. You may need to consider alternatives, such as wedges or even propped up mattresses. Although safety should be foremost in your mind, if you listened to all the "experts" out there on "back-to-sleep", you would be dealing with a screaming infant all night long. I broke every rule in the book, and I'm proud to say that it worked for me. I even learned how to sleep upright, with my baby on my chest, propped up with a million pillows. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

5) Most doctors will tell you that breastfeeding is the problem - whether it's just the myth of breast milk as "bad" or because your child may have genuine allergies (which you are passing through the milk). If you hope to breastfeed, I strongly, strongly advise you to seek help from a Certified Lactation Consultant. It would be extremely rare that formula would ever be better than breast milk. Out of desperation, we tried formula twice, and endured the worst crying episodes we had ever seen in our child. I quickly went back to breastfeeding, and tried to eliminate some of the major culprits out of my diet (dairy and soy).

6) Listen to your gut (no pun intended!). I can't say this one enough. You know your baby the best, and you know what is best for them.