Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The High Needs Toddler

As first time parents, we're constantly questioning our skills, our judgement, and our ability to steer our child in the right direction. When A was a baby, I found myself consulting books and websites almost daily. I would type questions in Google, such as "why does my baby cry all day long" or "how do I get my baby to sleep longer than 45 minutes."

We thought we were just crappy parents. We couldn't understand why we were more tired, on edge and struggling more than our fellow new parents. We soon discovered it had nothing to do with our parenting abilities, and everything to do with the little person we had been blessed with. A was not only a high needs baby, but she also suffered from GERD, or gastroesophageal reflux disease. Medication and time were our saviours, and by one year of age, we felt we were finally exiting the fog of gloom we had been living in for so long. I've heard of parents of GERDlings opting for vasectomies after their experience, and I fully understand this decision.

Our little baby grew, and turned into an engaging and extremely verbal two year old. She speaks in full sentences, and says things like "Mommy and I had an argument, and I was so frustrated" (honestly!) We thought that when she was able to tell us precisely how she felt, that her tantrums and frustrations would subside.

Not so. Clearly, the books are not always correct. Having a child with good communication skills does not  equal a life of ease in the toddler world. Our high needs baby has grown up into a high needs toddler, and as of late, the household dynamic has not been good. There has been screaming (A), tantrums (A), yelling (Mommy) and more tantrums (Mommy).

And maybe I'm just making things sound worse than they are. As with all moms, I get to see the full spectrum of emotions from my child - when we're out (especially in the outdoors) she's a perfect little angel.

Being pregnant and sick has not helped the situation, and every morning that I'm working has turned into a battleground between myself and my daughter. Husband has started early mornings at the golf course, and misses most of the commotion.

Part of the problem seems to be A's "sensitivities"....to pretty much everything. She can't stand socks on her feet (she says they hurt, and the seam bothers her); any pants that are touching her feet are immediately taken off and thrown on the floor (and if they're tight in the waist, watch out!); brushing her hair is almost impossible given her curly knots; brushing teeth is a hit and miss; her coat bothers her when it pulls her sleeves up; and the car seat buckle is always too tight. And rather than just dealing with these issues by whining, A launches herself into full-blown tantrums over the smallest annoyance.

So far, my answer to the problem is three-fold:

1) Stay calm. Talk in a quiet voice. Reassure her that socks are not her enemy

2) Ignore the tantrums. This is hard when there are no rooms to lock myself away in my house.

3) Lose my cool, and begin yelling in return. Not a good strategy, I know.

The morning ends with me hauling a screaming A over my shoulder, no socks, no shoes, no coat, and hair not brushed. The neighbours must think we've lost it.

I need a change, because I have to deal with this by myself for at least 5 more months while husband works at the golf course. And starting my day in a terrible mood is not an option.

So far, my only solution has been to research products that might make dressing a little easier. Luvmum*** is a local Canadian business that carries brands of clothing for children with sensitivities. I plan on purchasing some seamless socks, and maybe some comfortable pants. As for the rest of the morning routine, I'm searching around for a fun/magnetic calendar we can use to teach A about the benefits of grooming :)

Any ideas for this tired mama?

***Luvmum is no longer operational. If you have any suggestions for other companies selling clothing for kids with sensitivities, leave a comment below!

16 comments:

  1. I thought having a highly verbal child would make our lives so much easier and while in some ways it does (no frustration over communication) I also find that their needs and challenges (because they can communicate so clearly) are often amplified. When ds was the same age as your dd we used 1-2-3 Magic for a period of time to manage the histrionics and it helped. We then switched to a more empathy-based approach to acknowledge his intense feelings and being ' heard' really seemed to help. Opposite ends of the discipline spectrum but both worked!! I have both books if you want to borrow them :) And hang in there!!!

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    1. Would love to borrow the 1-2-3 magic book!! Haven't heard of it before. I have a couple of great books I'm reading...I just find I can't even reach her when she's in a "state," so there's not much empathy I can give her that she'll hear :)

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  2. Oh my goodness... I think we have the exact same little girl, down to the last detail!

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  3. Read the Out Of Sync Child - I'm going through something similar with my son and he will likely be diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (he gets therapy right now), and there are a lot of OT things that can help. Have a read and see if the behaviors sound familiar.

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  4. I don't know if you will find this helpful at all, but my daughter is very much like your little girl and I finally broke down and cut her hair short...even though it's not what I wanted. It made our mornings so much nicer. She was so happy with her short hair too and it made her mornings nicer as well. I hated to spend our whole morning fussing and fighting. Good luck

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    1. Hadn't thought about a haircut before! I was waiting until it had finally grown out (it's very thin and wispy), but you might be right. Plus, it would look so cute with the curls :)

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  5. I've heard/read there's a strong connection between GERD and sensory issues. The constant pain in infancy/childhood leads to being overly sensitive to certain sensations. Our girls sound so remarkably similar - ours is 14 months and we're in that no-more-visible-reflux-just-digestive-issues stage, and already seeing those sensory "sensitivities".

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    1. Wow, Krista, had never made the link before! Thanks for pointing that out - any reading you've done on the topic that you would recommend?

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  6. I have a 27 month old high needs kid. He was a high needs baby and here we are still dealing with his intensity. I highly recommend if you haven't already checked it out, "raising your spirited child". It's saving my sanity.

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    1. I have that book! I read it when Aylen was a baby, but it wasn't as relevant then. I need to revisit that one for sure

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  7. Hi Misty,

    I just found and subscribed to your blog. My 22 month old sounds exactly like your daughter. I work full-time and my husband leaves for work early in the mornings. The past 2 weeks have been absolute hell trying to get my daughter ready for daycare. I don't know if this is the terrible twos, or hopefully not an ear infection. Everything from getting out of bed, to changing clothes is a battle. Sloane was a high needs baby and is now a high needs toddler requiring my constant attention and affection. This morning I really felt like I was at my breaking point as I'm 5 months pregnant and sick with some respiratory virus from all the daycare germs. I have not read "raising your spirited child" but am considering it as I need some advice. My little girl is so sweet and smart, and does not act like this for anyone else. I don't know how I'm going to have a new baby and take care of her at the same time!! I would love any advice you have and look forward to following your blog!

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    1. Hello fellow sufferer :) I was thinking of doing an update on this post, as I've noticed "high needs toddler" gets searched a lot on Google! Although I'm not sure I'm the best at dishing out advice, I will certainly continue to share our journey. Since this post, things have been somewhat the same, although we've definitely found a better groove. The screaming/tantrums continue to baffle us though, and I'm halfway through a book called "Connected Parenting," in the hopes this technique will help. I think being pregnant is extraordinarily hard with a spirited toddler, and lately I'm just learning to forgive myself for my tiredness and lack of patience. I know that I will do better once this baby comes out and my body gets back to normal....thanks for reading!!

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  8. I have a high-needs toddler who turned 3 recently. He was a total back-archer as a baby and I needed to do a 45-60min "sleep dance" every time I put him down for a nap (which lasted only 30mins each time, and he woke at the slightest sound).

    I too panicked when I was pregnant with my second child (the pregnancy was terrible as I was having hyperemesis gravidarum where I vomited all the time and I lost a lot of weight). I had no idea how I could handle him and the new baby! .... I kept showing him my belly, and pointing out other babies and telling him he would be getting a brother soon + started letting hubbie take over his night naps and general care etc.... and we did this thing where we got him a gift (chocolates) and told him it was from his new brother (when he came to visit me at the hospital).

    Other than a few incidents where he thumped his new brother on the head while I was bfeeding him (I think he was just trying to pat him), he's been an affectionate, empathetic and kind brother! He didn't wail when I had to disappear for an hour to bfeed the baby, cuz we explained that baby needed to eat. He'd wait patiently with my mother until I came back. It seemed he understood that the bb had needs to be met, just like his - and thanks to attachment parenting, he was confident enough that I would meet his needs if he needed me, and I was not abandoning him for the new bb.

    So, it's a good thing our kids are high-need. Everyone who sees my eldest's behaviour is amazed at how mature and understanding he is. It seems to come with the territory.

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  9. I know this is old, but have you looked into sensory processing disorder? That all sounds right on.

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